I’m currently revising Girl on a Grecian Urn, and am stuck at the sex scene.  

Clearly performance anxiety isn’t limited to just real life. In fact, I think I might have a bit more performance anxiety at this moment. After all, if it sucks in real life, it’s over in, what, five, six minutes? But that sex scene will live in infamy forever. I mean, it could be the breaking part of an accept or deny from a publisher. “I loved everything but your crappy sex scenes. No thanks.”

Though I think the possibility of a publisher saying they think my heroine’s breasts are dead is unlikely—and that would be an improvement over some real life encounters—the thought of being bad in the sack on paper is a new scope of demoralizing.

Now mind you, I’ve written the scene. So it’s not like I’m a sex scene virgin; it’s just that the first draft is so godawful, I’m scrapping and going again. And my 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th attempts haven’t been producing anything Kleypas or Hoyt-worthy. And it’s an irony because Livie has such a great time with Ben, you’d think the scene would be a bit more readable. But no.

One of the suggestions they make about writing a sex scene is to do it all at once. Drink some wine, write it all…but I’ve not been able to do this yet. I get about two pages, get bored with them (and apparently with what they’re doing), and decide I’d rather just turn over and go to sleep. (Wine always puts me out like that. As does bad sex, incidentally.)

So while thinking about today’s blog…and my lack of writing (and motivation) lately, I dug through my personal horde of writer’s quotations for inspiration:

Writing a novel is like creeping along on your belly with shells exploding around you. It’s only occasionally that there’s a ceasefire and you can get up and run.

~Monica Ali

That’s kinda what I feel like. I feel like if I was crawling any slower through my revisions I would be going backwards, and all around me are shells exploding, encouraging me to bury myself deeper in the mud and just wait until ceasefire comes. But that’s no good. By the time a ceasefire shows up, I may have forgotten how to run.

And I’m so fixated on finishing these revisions, that working on my “new” WIP is just as demotivating. It’s sad when you’d rather go back to the folders on your desk, because at least you know how to staple. *sighs*

Because I need to get back on track and write, I found some Demotivator posters to inspire everyone.

And if anyone can give me any new tips on how to make my sex scenes readable, please let me know.

Is anyone else waiting for a ceasefire? Anyone else trying to figure out how to turn their manuscript into an inspirational—even with the hero married to someone else? (Yeah, no dice there either. Thought not.) Anyone else read Hoyt’s new book and loved it? (I found like three spots that were so lifted from Last of the Mohicans, I nearly fell out of bed laughing. She should not have mentioned she watched that movie over and over again. I’m just waiting until I’m published and someone goes, “OMG, she totally ripped that out of POTC!”) That aside, I think it was a great book. And a lovely way to pass the time and not do revisions.

I’m a blog addict.  I freely admit it.  Besides having my own personal blog and being responsible for two days a week on this one, I visit way more blogs than I should on a daily basis.  Well, weekdays anyway.  This addiction has its pros and cons. 

We’ll start with the cons.  All the time I spend reading and commenting on blogs takes away from time doing actual work.  Lucky for me, my company is pretty laid back and I manage to get by.  The time I spend on blogs also distracts me from the writing.  Though if we’re being honest, everything distracts me from the writing.

Now we move to the pros.  I’ve met some incredible people through these blogs.  Published and As Yet Unpublished (as the Banditas call it) authors alike, they are all amazing, inspiring, and entertaining.  I’ve picked up tips about writing, plotting, networking and promoting.  And I’ve found laughs when I really needed them.  But maybe the best pro of all is the prizes.  I’ve won loads of books, few of which I need, but many of which I never would have picked up on my own.  So I’ve had my horizons broadened even if I’ve had my shelves overwhelmed.

But the prizes are not always books.  A couple of weeks ago I won a t-shirt from Christie Craig and last week I won something even better.  I won a critique from a published author.  Romance Bandit Loucinda McGary is going to critique part of my WIP.  Hence, my hyperventilating.

I’ve gone through a litany of emotions since finding out.  The Captain can tell you of my raving mad emails.  I mean, I’m not ready for this.  My stuff isn’t ready for this.  What if she reads it and realizes I’m a total fraud?! *ducks the various rum bottles hurled at my head*

But I’m feeling better about things since I’ve had time to process them.  Though I’m not sure how hard it’s going to be to hit that send button when the moment arrives, I will do it. And I’m kind of excited about it.  I’ve put my heart into this story, I’ve gotten good feedback and I think she’s going to like it.  Plus, she can give me important pointers that will make the story that much better.

How do you feel about showing your work to others?  Have you put it out there only to have your heart broken by what you got back?  Have you entered contests and sent out submissions getting lots of compliments and positive feedback?  Or do you guard every word with your life, still not ready to let it fly on its own?  If you don’t let it leave the nest, you’ll never know how far it can go.

When we were designing this new ship, one of the things we insisted upon was good plumbing.  I realize running water on a pirate ship probably sounds rather odd, be we’re very progressive pirates.  And the water is right there.  A very high-tech filtering system (we could tell you how it works if we knew but we don’t so we can’t) and an even higher-tech water heater (again who knows how this works) combine to provide the Romance Writers Revenge with working showers, a hot tub and a sauna.  All essential for writing pirates to stay motivated.

But having plumbing means we needed someone to take care of the new systems.  Regular tests, filter changes and some other, high-tech, tool requiring tasks have to be done.  And to be honest, when you have a plumber that looks like this, you don’t really mind those plumber pants.

This is Pete the Pirate Plumber.  He’s very thorough.  And he’s such a giver, he doesn’t mind letting us test the showers with him.  And he doesn’t ask questions when our shower head massagers have to be replaced monthly.

Thanks to everyone who came by last week to visit with Colette Gale. This week, we have another great author on the schedule.  Wednesday, May 14, the crew welcomes Harlequin Presents/Mills & Boon author Annie West to take the helm and sail us into Billionaire, Greek Tycoon, and Sheikh infested waters.  Let me tell you, if you’re looking for some major Alpha males, Annie writes them.  So mark your calendar now.

And don’t forget next week we bring back one of our favorite guest wenches, Santa O’Byrne on Friday, May 23.  Now, everybody in, the hot tub is open for business!  Oh, and Pete is already in checking the water temp.

Hey, you don’t have to knock me down, you trampy lushes…..

The winners of the *HAWT* Colette Gale books are:

KATHY

&

GILLIAN

Just contact Colette at her website. I’ve already told her who the winners were. Just mention me and she’ll put your booty in the mail!

Congratulations, guys!!!

Today is all about fun, relaxation, and girl time. Well almost…

I’m not so sure watching greyhounds race down a dirt track is the epitome of fun, but I’m not at work, and I have a drink in my hand.

By now, you are all probably wondering how this is related to writing- brace yourselves for the big reveal.

Today is not only a girl’s day out, but also research for my WIP. I’m planning a gambling scene in Picture This (tentative title). Today I am a sponge, all pertinent action, such as placing a bet, reaction of winners, and dirty little jokes told throughout the day will be filed away for future reference.

It doesn’t matter where you are during your free time, everything around you can be resourceful. I always carry a mini notebook and a pen at all times. I have recorded scenes at ballgames, church picnics, shopping malls, and even the grocery store. I think like a writer no matter what role I am currently playing in my life. Some of the funniest dialogue, and situations come from places you least expect.

Saturday night our family is attending the WWE Wrestlemania. It’s an early birthday present for my eight-year-old son. I am not a fan of wrestling, but have you ever suffered through anything for the sake of your child’s pleasure? I’m not planning a wrestling scene in my WIP, but part of the story takes place in redneck territory so I’m going armed with pen and notebook. I may get a lot of curious looks, and harassment from my son, but if life gives you a ring of wrestlers, wield a pen and record the action.

I won’t be around to comment today but I’ll catch up by late afternoon.

Cheers!

I make Thanksgiving dinner for my husband’s family every year.  Well, except the year I was in the hospital delivering my son.  They let me off the hook that year.  Usually the total guest list stretches to between 12-15 people.  I make a huge meal: turkey, stuffing, and all the trimmings.  Preparing the sheer mass of food can be a daunting process.  But, I manage and before I know it we all tuck in.  Then, in a sickeningly short period of time (consider it takes me days to get the food there in the first place), we all sit there, full, sleepy, and happy specimens of gluttony.

When I start preparations for Thanksgiving dinner, I generally feel like I’ll never get it all finished in time.  Let’s face it, Thanksgiving, though ridiculously yummy, is a high-maintenance, high-preparation, and high-stress meal.  Well, unless you’re parked on the couch watching football as my culinarily-deficient husband, then it’s not so bad.

But, for me, it’s a huge undertaking. 

As is the process of writing my novel.

I approached writing my novel similar to the way I approach Thanksgiving dinner.  I wrote lists and I tried to visualize accomplishing all the tasks necessary to finishing.

I’ve encountered similar obstacles as I do while making Thanksgiving dinner.   I swing viciously between annoyance that it is taking so long to get finished and giddiness that it’s almost done.  At times, I doubt that I’ll ever get it done and then I buckle down and attempt new and more efficient techniques.

This entire roller coaster has made me appreciate the value of micro-thinking.  If I stand back and stare at where I am in the course of my WIP, I start to get overwhelmed by whatever emotion has been riding so close to the surface.  Whether that’s doubt, elation, or plain old confusion, looking at the writing of a novel from a macro perspective can be daunting, the same way looking at preparing a huge meal for 12-15 can be daunting.

But, if I break down the huge task into smaller tasks, it becomes more doable.  In my novel, I have tried to focus on the goal of each scene separately and let the huge task of WRITING THE NOVEL take care of itself.

I’ve accomplished Thanksgiving each year by breaking it into smaller tasks.  Who says it can’t work for my story?

And I hope that at the completion of this process I feel pride and satisfaction that dwarfs the pride and satisfaction of a successful dinner party.

How do you keep the huge task of writing from overwhelming you?  Do you (even you panters) focus on scene goals?  Ever thrown a huge dinner party?  Got any tips for me?  (Hey, I’m a pirate; it’s in my nature to use you as a resource.)

Welcome, Colette Gale aboard the RWR. She is joining us today, on the day of her new release Master, to tell us about the ins and out of writing erotica. Please give a hearty welcome to Colette! *yelling and screaming*

What I love most about her books is that she writes from characters we know and love–and gives them the happy endings we wished for them. (Anyone as unhappy as I was about Phantom of the Opera? She fixed it! And she did it with lots of hot, spicy scenes. Good thing my sheets are flame-retardant. Had to get those after Jack arrived….)

The first time I watched Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera, I was entranced. I loved it! I cried at the end, though, when Christine chose to go with Raoul instead of the Phantom. After all, it was obvious to me that they belonged together.

I saw the play over and over through the years, and its soundtrack became one of my favorites. When the movie version, starring Gerard Butler, came out, I hoped….hoped!…that Webber would give me that happy ending.

Alas, he did not.

So I set out to write my own happy ending…and that was my first foray into writing erotica.

I’ve always been a fan of erotic novels–I count among some of my favorite reads The Story of O, Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series, and Bertrice Small’s ground-breakiing Skye O’Malley saga (ground-breaking because it was erotica, but marketed and sold as part of the romance genre).

All of these books influenced my writing when I sat down to work on what later came to be officially titled Unmasqued: An Erotic Novel of the Phantom of the Opera….but at the time was, really, just an experiment for me. Could I write erotica?

Well, apparently, I can, since my second erotic novel, Master: An Erotic Novel of the Count of Monte Cristo is released today!

So how and where do I get these ideas? Do my husband and I have a harp in our bedroom? Have we done all these things?

Er. Without divulging too much information…no. Sorry.

Just as writers of psychological thrillers, who often get inside the heads of their murderers–and victims–couldn’t possibly have done those things, so can I say that, no. Only in my fantasies.

Here’s the important thing about erotica: it is fantasy. Remembering that is key. Just because I (or you) fantasize about something doesn’t mean we really would want it to happen. Just because we have fantasies about forced seduction, bondage, menage a trois, etc., doesn’t mean that we would really indulge in those activities…although there are certainly people who do put their fantasies into play.

But my erotic novels are also romances at the very heart. There is one man and one woman who ride off into their Happily Ever After at the end of the book. That’s part of the story–that’s why I wrote Unmasqued and Master.

And even though there is a lot of sex (a lot of sex) in the books, every single sex scene has a purpose. It moves the plot and it demonstrates the relationship between the two main characters. Or, in the subplots that happen around the hero and heroine. In fact, my rule of thumb is: at least one orgasm per chapter. Someone gets the happy at least once in each chapter–and it’s not always the hero or heroine.

In fact, in my books, the hero and heroine can and do interact with other characters…but…and here’s the very subtle place where I draw the line: they never have intercourse with anyone but each other.

A very subtle split of hairs, I know, but that’s where the line is drawn.

So. I’m very excited to announce the release of my second erotic novel, Master, based on Alexandre Dumas’s The Count of Monte Cristo. It is a revenge love story and I absolutely loved writing it. I think it’s my favorite book, even moreso than the Phantom book because this one has three love stories entwined in it.

I’m late getting this blog post to the ship, so in apology, I’d like to offer a copy of Unmasqued and also a copy of Master as prizes today…along with my heartfelt apology for my tardiness, my thanks to the Yoho Ladies for having me, and my promise to stick around an answer ANY questions you might have!

Thanks so much for having me!

Colette

With my lifestyle, I often feel out of control.  I’m always juggling a half dozen things while trying to stay up on a rolling log.  With a life like that, it’s not easy to feel stable nevermind feel in control.  What I have to do from time to time is stop everything and figure out where I am.

This also applies to writing.  Whether you’re a plotter, a pantser, a plantser or a writer with the perfect process, you still have to take a breath from time to time and figure out where you are.  This weekend, an email from a friend *cough*captain*cough* reminded me I was in desperate need of figuring out where I am in this writing thing.

Where I am is 73 pages into a 300-something page book that has been going around in my head for more than a year and been restarted twice.  I have two great characters who have only just begun the journey to their HEA and constantly bug the crap out of me to stop ignoring them. 

I have a heroine who wants more out of life, but doesn’t like quick change.  She likes to ease into things slowly, always with a back up plan in place.  She’s really going to hate me.

I have a hero who has taken a major blow in his personal life and has decided to focus all of his energy on his career as a chef.  The last thing he wants is any distractions, especially a woman complicating things.  He’s really going to hate me.

What I have is a book in desperate need of being written, a story in desperate need of being told, and a home in desperate need of a maid.  Since I have four other stories waiting not-so-patiently in the back of my mind, I’d better give up on the maid thing (although I could so find room for Christian the Cleaning Boy) and get to the storytelling. 

Where are you?  Are you struggling along trying to figure out who your characters are and what they want?  Are you drowning in revisions and hating life right now?  Or are you sending that beautiful MS out there into the world hoping someone will snap it up?  If you’re a reader, do you have trouble fitting those books into your busy schedule or do you figure those dirty dishes can wait until morning?

This ship is a mess.  What with all us Pirates jetting off to conferences and booksignings, workshops and historical sites.  We’ve just been to dang busy to polish the hoistings or dry clean the sails or swab the decks.  I really have no idea if those are things you do on a ship (except that swabbing thing) but you get my point.  We need a maid. 

But with this crew, I knew I couldn’t hire just any maid.  A maid for this ship has to be special.  Highly qualified.  In other words…..HOT.  And I do believe I found the perfect applicant.

This is Christian the Cleaning Boy.  I realize boy might not be the appropriate term, but he doesn’t seem to mind what I call him as long as I call it out loud and clear.  I never thought of myself as a screamer but let me tell you…..errrr…….nevermind.

Don’t forget this Tuesday the RWR crew is proud and excited to welcome Colette Gale to the ship.  Ms. Gale is the Erotica author of the much acclaimed, Unmasqued, a sensual and sexy new take on The Phantom of the Opera.  Her latest is Master, a powerful retelling of the story of The Count of Monte Cristo.  We hope you’ll come by and help us give Ms. Gale a warm Pirate welcome!

Now, anybody else suddenly feeling the urge to polish a knob?