How Hellion Became a Pirate
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
Clearly titles aren’t my talent, but let’s face it, Goats on a Boat was taken, and there’s no topping that.
Perhaps you’ve been a bit curious how I got to be a pirate writer, despite my decided lack in title-cleverness; how I came to follow my bliss on the high seas, in pursuit of finished WIPs and Happily Ever Afters. I know it’s easy to imagine I sailed out of the womb, brandishing a cutlass and yelling, “I want to publish romance novels” but invariably with legends, the reality is much more sedate.
So on this very first blog on the new ship, while I’m still reminiscing about how far I and me crew have come, I thought I would share how I came to be the pirate writer I am today—only slightly dramatized.
It went something like this.
3rd Period, 1992, Ms. Yount’s English class
(Ms. Yount)
All right. Listen up, you rocks with hair, you’re in my class now, and you’ll be passing this class if it’s the last thing you do, because I’ll be damned if I have to have you next year. Oh, yes, I’m talking right at you, Roberts. You all will become enlightened and learn to quote Thoreau and Emerson and Twain if I have to pull your strings like little wooden puppets! Open your books to page 394 and start reading, “The Open Boat.” There will be no talking….
(Hellion)
I don’t like it.
(Ms. Yount)
You don’t like it?
(Hellion)
I don’t like it, and I don’t want to do it. It’s boring. Boring, boring, boring…except for maybe that Byron fellow. And don’t look at me that way.
(Ms. Yount)
We’re not doing him. He’s too unboring for you lot, you hormone thrumming twits. Okay, I bite, what do you want, dare I ask?
(Hellion)
I want to publish lots, I want to publish lots
I want to be like Nora and make the Times completely nuts.
Writing Love that conquers all, and wild sex outside the box.
I want to publish lots.
(Ms. Yount)
You want to write trash novels, do you? You don’t like real writers like Emily Dickinson? Or Jane Austen? If you’re going to write a novel, why don’t you write a good one? One with a plot, and a theme, and no sex? Something literary that will broaden your mind, change the world, enrich the intellect of your peers and bring about world peace. That’s the kind of book you should write—something that Oprah will read. Why don’t you write something like that, something worth reading?
(Hellion)
I don’t like it.
(Ms. Yount)
You don’t like it?
(Hellion)
I don’t like it and I don’t want it….
(Ms. Yount)
You don’t want it.
(Hellion)
And I won’t do it…I’m a pirate.
(Ms. Yount)
A pirate? Well, Miss Pirate, what do you want?
(Hellion)
I want to publish lots, I want to publish lots
I want to be like Nora and make the Times completely nuts.
Writing Love that conquers all, and wild sex outside the box.
I want to publish lots.
(Ms. Yount)
Now listen here! This isn’t a Kathleen Woodweiss Breeding Ground for Oversexed Housewives and Repressed Amish Farmers’ Daughters. This is an English class, and we will only be reading boring, real life-like stories with real unhappy endings…and there will be no sex, do you got that? I would have you thrown out of the classroom if you weren’t one of the few students in this section that shows signs of intelligence. (No, Roberts, you’re not one of the few; read the assignment.) So, missy, you’ll crack open that book and you’ll start liking Stephen Crane….
(Hellion)
I don’t like it.
(Ms. Yount)
And you won’t crack open your book, will you?
(Hellion)
I don’t want it….
(Ms. Yount)
And you’ll probably continue to read your romance novels during class, as if you think a 2-inch thick book can be hidden inside your schoolbook, with you sitting in the front row and all…you’re not going to read the assignment, are you?
(Hellion)
Well, deep down, you want to know the truth—it’s not me, I don’t like it….
(Ms. Yount)
Well, what do you want, as if it takes a freaking rocket scientist to figure it out at this point?
(Hellion)
I want to publish lots….
(Ms. Yount)
I know, I know…and make the Times completely nuts. I got it, I got it…though why you couldn’t do that with a book without sex in it, I don’t know. All right, fine, we’re all going to write… (grumbling)… Get out your notebooks. It’s not like you guys couldn’t use refinement with your writing skills anyway. 1st graders have better cursive skills than you do, Roberts. Get out your paper, now…okay, all together…one, two, three….
(Chorus of 3rd Period English class)
We want to publish lots, we want to publish lots
We want to be like Nora and make the Times completely nuts.
Writing Love that conquers all, and wild sex outside the box.
We want to publish lots.
(Hellion)
I like it…I like it!
(Ms. Yount)
I kinda like it too. This might pay for little Yount’s college education….
(Hellion)
I think that’s what Nora said.
(Ms. Yount)
Pen and paper, guys. I don’t want pencil marks all over hither and yon….
(Hellion)
I don’t like pens.
(Ms. Yount)
You don’t like pens?
(Hellion)
Well, no, actually…I like using a plume with a sharp nib.
(Ms. Yount)
A plume?
(Hellion)
With a sharp nib.
(Ms. Yount)
With a sharp nib, Hellion likes a sharp nib. Well, aren’t you bloody Charles Dickens?
(FADE OUT)
And that was basically it. This scenario repeated itself about a dozen times throughout with college as I vexed one professor after another. After all, they found I could write—and be analytical about it, but why did I want to rot my brain and throw away my talent on genre fiction?
WHY?
Because it makes me happy and it’s what I want. And that’s all the justification any pirate ever needs to make.
So, what makes you happy—and what do you want? And how do you plan to go about accomplishing it? What were your English classes like, and do you remember any of the stories you had to read? (I still don’t remember The Open Boat.)
You may ask: what does the bed-mussed Jeremy Northam have to do with this blog? Absolutely nothing, but when you’re a pirate writer following your bliss, you can post whatever pictures you like. Enjoy.