FYI: This is a RANT.

I will grant you that I’m probably the least qualified to tell you how to write a series, being that I have only completed two manuscripts and they are not related to each other at all. But I am an avid reader and collector of series, and I do have an opinion about it. I can tell you what irks me as a reader…and some of the writer stuff that I see going on that totally boggles my mind.

Here’s a list of the crap that irks me most.

1.)  Authors who don’t know when to stop—or their publisher doesn’t. Whoever…one of them can’t say no to the cash cow series and the author begins rehashing scenes she used in the first books, hoping no one notices. Believe me, everyone notices. And you know who I’m talking about.

2.)  All the beloved characters keep doing the same stupid crap. I mean, these are real people, and real people do keep doing the same stupid crap, like the rat that doesn’t learn if it keeps pushing the lever, it’ll keep getting shock therapy. After all, once upon a time, it got a pellet…maybe there will be another pellet. There hasn’t been a pellet since book one. At book 16, it ceases to be amusing. Let the rat die already. Surely somebody learned the Big Lesson by book 16. Give us and the character some credit. Again, you know who I’m talking about.

3.)  Clearly ending a series at the right place is damned tricky and few people manage it. The ones who do manage it are ones who pull it off within the first three to four books. By the time you make it to book ten, the expectations are so high, it’s practically impossible to exit now without major damage. Do you really want a Seinfeld fiasco? St. Elsewhere? LOST? No. No one wants that. And yet some authors who have let their series slide into some I-70 tractor trailer accident, where four ambulances and two fire trucks couldn’t save it, continue to beat their dead horse of a series and then end the series on a whimper…or worse, an infuriated yell from the reader who has burnt the entire series in a fit of rage and vows never to buy this author’s books again. Again, you know who I’m talking about.

So I think the golden rule of writing papers applies with series. The Magic 3. Three is the ideal number for a series. Most people can commit to a threesome, and it fits nicely on their shelves. Committing to a “twenty-some” (as some of my beloved series are rapidly speeding towards) is becoming unwieldy and I find myself becoming more and more disgruntled with some of the stories within the series. “This is ridiculous! This was obvious filler! This told me nothing about the overall plot!”

Frankly, if I’m noticing that, I wasn’t that keen about the characters starring either.

I might even be willing to commit to four or five in a series. Still doable; still likely to be satisfying. Author is still apt to tie up loose ends and keep the character arcs going so we can see the true growth of the characters throughout the books. Not so much in the “twenty-some”, especially if we’re dealing with one main character, rather than switching off to another main character but in the same “world”. Usually around book 7 or so, I start getting twitchy because the character is purposely not growing…and I have to read her same goofy madcap bullcrap for another 300 pages. And it looks like it’s been lifted straight out of the first books. I feel like I’ve paid another $5 for a Happy Meal that I already ate. Hello. My memory is bad but it’s not that bad.

So I’m saying this to all my would-be series writers and those authors (you know who you are): Too much of a good thing is quite, quite possible. Don’t let us gorge on ALL the double-stuff, triple-chocolate ice cream cupcakes for as long as we want. Cut us off because there will come a point that we go: “This doesn’t taste as good as the first cupcake.” Of course it doesn’t. Go to a Weight Watchers meeting and the first thing you learn is nothing tastes as good as the first bite. No cigarette tastes as good as the first drag. And Pepsi tastes good only for the first long draw—after that, it kinda coats your tongue and makes you wish you’d gotten water instead.

Stick with the rule of three. Maybe five. (Hell, if you’re as good as J.K. Rowling, you could even do a seven!) But don’t do a twenty. No one wants to participate in that orgy.

What irks you most about series books? What do you enjoy most about them? What is your favorite series of books to read? What new series book are you most anticipating?