Hellion: *emerges from cabin with her writing notebook, which she flings out into the ocean*

 

Terrio: What’s wrong, Hellion? *watching another ten notebooks flying out with it* I thought you were working on Adam’s story?

 

Hellion: I suck. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had the idea in front of me. I’ve been writing in my notebook for days, and I thought I finally had a grasp on the scene I needed to work on. I mean, Fish Out of Water: Adam & Eve have to live in Vegas. I mean, you can’t get any more Fish Out of Water than that!

 

Marnee: I wouldn’t think so. You’re not really going to toss your laptop, are you?

 

Hellion: *looking at her HP thoughtfully and the sticker decal of Jack on it* I was thinking about it. I mean, I’m not going to use it for writing since I’ve given that up.

 

Terrio: Be practical. If you toss your computer, you won’t be able to download Hotties from the internet.

 

Hellion: *putting the computer back in its bag, seating herself on the stairwell to the upperdeck, pouting* Oh, what’s the use of Hotties to download now that I no longer have a profession.

 

Marnee: Aww, Hellion, you have a profession: you’re a writer. You’re not going to give that up if you throw out all your notebooks. You’ll be back to scratching out ideas on napkins in a few days, I know. The last time you threw out your notebooks, you started writing ideas on Jack, but the ink blurred with his tattoos and you were mad you’d lost some really great dialogue bits. Now why don’t you get to the gist of what’s really going on? What happened?

 

Hellion: Well, I opened my Word document and scrolled to the end of the scene I was working on. Adam and Eve have just been sent to Vegas, and I was going to write the scene where they see their new living situation. Believe me, it’s no mansion in Heaven. And no KitchenAids.

 

Terrio: *baffled* KitchenAids?

 

Marnee: That does sound Spartan. Sounds good so far. What happened?

 

Hellion: I don’t know. I put my fingers on the keyboard, and this voice came in my head and said, “This is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”

 

Terrio: You’re always hearing voices. You’ve never let it bother you before.

 

Hellion: But it wasn’t one of the characters. This is someone else. Someone not in the book.

Marnee: Someone clearly bitchy that he didn’t get a part, if you want my opinion. Why are you listening to him? What credentials does he have?

 

Hellion: You know, I don’t know. If you heard him, it was like God was speaking.

 

Terrio: God is more diplomatic.

 

Hellion: Clearly you haven’t read the Old Testament.

 

Sin: I know who it is. *printing out a Wanted Poster from her computer and waving the sheet in front of them* See? It’s your Inner Critic.

 

Lisa: I really hate that bitch.

 

Hellion: This wasn’t a woman. This was a man, I tell you.

 

Terrio: Your Inner Critic is a man? This explains so much about you.

 

Sin: *giving Hellion the sheet* The IC is androgynous, assuming the form which demoralizes you the most. Or what Hellion would say, if she weren’t too busy moping to give the lecture, the IC is like one of those Harry Potter dementor thingies. *waves hand vaguely, clearly having no idea what a dementor looks like*

 

Terrio: I still haven’t read those books.

 

Hellion: *grumpily* Or seen the movies.

 

Sin: Anyway, there is only one cure for getting rid of an IC. You’re going to have to wash him out. *holds up a bottle of “Rid Your Inner Critic” shampoo and cheeses at the audience with a  Vanna White flourish* See, the instructions are simple: wet, lather, and repeat.

 

Terrio: Now where have I heard that…oh, never mind. *nervous laugh* Hormones.

 

Marnee: *dumping a bucket of water over Hellion’s head as Hellion gasps in shock* Gosh, that felt good. I hadn’t realized how much I’d wanted to do…

 

Sin: *squirting shampoo on Hellion, who is still screeching* Okay, now you have to sing the song with it. It doesn’t work if you don’t sing the song.

 

Hellion: *looking like a pissed off half-drowned cat, glaring at crewmembers who seem oblivious* This is not going to work. *scrubbing at her hair*

 

Sin: That is not how the song starts, Hellie. Come on, come on… *prompts* I’m gonna wash that bitch right out of my head…

 

Lisa, Terrio, Marnee: I’m gonna wash that bitch right out of my head

 

Hellion: *glowering* I’m gonna wash that bitch right out of my head

 

LTM: And send her on her way. *gesturing hand waves*

 

Hellion: *reluctantly doing the hand waves*

I’m gonna wave that bitch right off my page

            I’m gonna wave that bitch right off my page

            I’m gonna wave that bitch right off my page

            And send her on her way.

 

LTM: Don’t toss your notebooks

 

Hellion: Get them back, get them back

 

LTM: Dry them out, dry them out

 

Hellion: Push her out, fly her out

            Don’t delay, show her the door!

 

LTM: Yea, Hellion!

 

Hellion: I’m gonna wash that bitch right outa my head,

I’m gonna wash that man right outa my head,

I’m gonna wash that man right outa my head,

And send her on her way.

 

If your IC doesn’t get you,

If she says you’ll never succeed,

Don’t delay, leave this class,

Tell this witch to kiss your ass

Pretend you’ve gone deaf

And open your WIP and proceed

LTM: Oho! If you laugh at different paragraphs

If you root for different themes

Waste no time, drink no more

Show that witch what duct tape is for

Rub her out of your work-in-progress

Delete her straight from your scenes!

 

Hellion: You can’t light the sheets with a prude in the room,

LTM: No!

Hellion: You can’t make a comfortable thong,

LTM: No joke there

Hellion: You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs,

 

Terrio: Shit, is this a cooking blog? I thought the math one was mind-boggling. I hope she doesn’t cook with anything weird.

Sin: And you can’t fix an IC when she’s wrong!

Hellion & LTM: If her comments are hurtful and bitchy,

If you look for your handgun in the drawer

Waste no time, make the trade

Bury her out back with your gardening spade

Rub her out of your WIP

Call that bitch a whore

Oho! Oho!

 

I went to wash that bitch right outa my head,

I went to wash that bitch right outa my head,

I went to wash that bitch right outa my head,

And send her on her way.

LTM: She went to wash that bitch right outa her head,

She went to wash that bitch right outa her head,

She went to wash that bitch right outa her head,
And send her on her way!

 

Marnee: *dumping a rinsing bucket of water on Hellion as she does the Charlie’s Angels headshake* Again, I tell you, that’s just fun!

 

Hellion: Well, I’m certainly awake now. All right. I’ll take your advice. Bo’sun, after my notebooks, will you? I’ll need them dry if I’m ever going to finish that scene…

 

Terrio: Me? You threw them into the ocean; you get them out!

 

Hellion: I’m the captain and I say….

 

Marnee: *clearing throat, but arguing escalates* I think the Captain means to say…. *begins to shout to be heard over Hellion and Terrio*…what do you do to get rid of your Inner Critic? And is your Inner Critic a man or a woman? If you’re a writer, do you find yourself staring at the screen in horror—and how do you make yourself press on? If you’re a reader, has there been something you wanted to do, known you could do, but your Inner Critic nearly got the upperhand?