I went to see The Duchess, the new period piece costume drama with Keira Knightly. I’ve been itching to see it for a year. I’ve talked about it incessantly to even people who hate period dramas, so much so that when I bring it up, they say, “Oh, that one about the duchess?” Finally, finally it came to my town. I paid full price, opening night…and I bought popcorn. My friend and I repeatedly made reverent cooing about how much we were going to love this movie. We sat, the movie came up…and it was okay.

Oh-kay? I bought popcorn, people! It should have been brilliant! It should have been the best movie I saw all year! But on the contrary, we were decidedly underwhelmed by it.

The costumes were gorgeous; and I’d say everyone acted their parts believably, but there was no emotion. I never felt a part of the movie. And that’s the best part of movies, you know: being a part of them. It’s the best part of any story; it’s what makes stories real.

It’s the Rooting for the Home Team vibe.

At no point was I rooting for this woman.

What’s funny is that the story is based on real people. I imagine the sex between the husband and wife was very real. *laughs* I’d say you’d have to see it, but I don’t want you paying to see this movie. Let’s just say this guy’s idea of foreplay was: “Go lie on the bed.” Literally. You’d think I’d feel a bit more for the girl because I’ve had that kind of sex. You don’t want it documented. It’s best to forget it as soon as possible.

And I’d say the unhappiness all throughout the movie was real. It had very real elements, but I felt as engaged as if I were watching a football game. Actually I probably would have felt more emotion watching a football game. Loathing, at the very least. But watching this, I felt indifference. I didn’t care about these characters. I wanted to check the time to see how much longer the movie would be. We’ve all been to a movie we’ve been excited about…and then been decidedly disappointed when we saw it, right? So what was wrong with the movie? It lacked believability. It lacked realness. It lacked a reason to be told. I didn’t care if anyone won; and in the end, nobody did.

With this movie being about real people, you may point out, maybe that was the problem. Believe me, they had plenty of errors. There always is when you’re making History by Hollywood. Let me list the movies I’ve bought into that’s littered (littered) with historical errors: Braveheart; Dangerous Beauty; King Arthur; Kingdom of Heaven; Casanova; Immortal Beloved; Elizabeth; Shakespeare in Love (it could’ve happened!); Stage Beauty; The Libertine (Johnny’s right; I don’t like him); Amazing Grace; Rob Roy; The Scarlet Letter; Last of the Mohicans; The Patriot; Quills; Becoming Jane. Most of these based on real people with unhappy endings. So why didn’t The Duchess work for me? Was it because Mel Gibson didn’t fly out of one of the bedrooms, arranging his kilt, waving his sword, and screaming “Freedom!”?  

I’m thinking, unlikely.

Was it the historical stuff? No, I don’t think The Duchess was any more historically accurate than Braveheart was; and I could spend five or six blogs outlining the historical inaccuracies in that beloved movie. I love Mel in a kilt, but I hope nobody is getting his 13^th century history knowledge from that film.

Was it the director? The screenwriter? I didn’t think it was the actors themselves; I liked them.

No. There was just no reason to care. It didn’t seem to start with a point; it didn’t seem to end with a point. What was the theme? What was the reason for this movie? I remembered all the references in the movie reviews that this woman was the great-something-or-other of Princess Diana, who also married a higher up who didn’t love her, a guy who treated pets better and also slept with everyone else, even though she was the prettiest girl in the world. The Duke of Devonshire is the only man in London not in love with his wife. But who cares if this woman is like Princess Diana? Why should we care about her? It’s like assembling your home team and saying, “Root for them because they’re a lot like the Bengals.” What? No. You should be liked for yourself; not for any other reason.

I don’t know. I don’t know how to tell you to make your character likable. I just know you better be careful about assembling a cast of characters who aren’t really likable, who really don’t have a point, who are easily forgettable if it weren’t for the fact you paid full price for your ticket and for popcorn too. So I turn this to you guys: What makes a character likable or unlikable? Name a movie or book you were excited about, but disappointed you? Why did it disappoint you? Was it the characters or the style itself? Oh, and what is the most glaring historical inaccuracy you’ve ever seen in a costume drama?