In these troubling times and economy, I have no doubt you’re in the midst of the truest of all acronyms: FUD. Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt. Nowadays, FUD is plaguing me for all things great and small, not just how stable my job is or if my haircut didn’t come out as stylish as everyone has been assuring me it is. Everything.

Its latest emotional hijacking has revolved around the revisions to Girl on a Grecian Urn. Whereas I haven’t been the least bit productive in revising or creating new material in my manuscripts, Grumpy Old Man (my internal editor) has been busier than a beaver with two tails, waving his FUD flag like that guy that stands there at NASCAR. He’s got a new color and complaint every thirty seconds. Everything I do is wrong. He also looks like Al Gore, harping at me that I’m murdering trees. “Tree killer!”

What’s doubly irritating is that the longer I’m gripped by this fictional asshole, the less motivated I am to bother with anything else. I keep my daily aims at an aspirable level, like, “Getting out of bed” and “Watching POTC only once a day.” And I don’t add new things I haven’t done, because, well, I know I’m not going to do them anyway, so why depress myself when I don’t. I have to-do lists so I can feel better when I do scratch things off the list. Small attainable goals. That’s the secret of a happy life.

Clearly being a writer is not the secret of having a happy life. It’s why so many of them stick their heads in ovens, don’t you think?

Step away from the oven. This is not the attitude to cultivate. Where would the Tampa Rays be if they’d let FUD take control of their game? What if they’d kept their aspirable goal to just winning 71 games this year (beating their last years’ scoring) rather than one of the spots in the World Series? Exactly. They’d have more of the same. If you let Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt to take foothold and squat in your territory, you’re just going to have more of the same. The only time you want to see more of the same is when your name is listed as #1 on the NYT’s bestselling lists. Aspire to that.

What did the Tampa Rays have to lose? Absolutely nothing. Nobody expected anything from them whatsoever. Sometimes it pays to be at the bottom of the dung heap because you have nowhere to go but up. Of course, the problem with no one expecting anything of you is that you have to expect something of yourself even if no one else does. Or especially when no one else does. Whatever.

So do your job, play the best game you’ve got in you, and tune out the FUDs hanging out in the stands. And Lord, stop baking, you’re only tempting fate. Plus you don’t need those damned brownies anyway.

Anyone else plagued by Elmer FUD of late? Anyone else cheering for the Tampa Rays? Anyone else got any tips for not letting your Grumpy Old Man emotionally hijack your writing?