If there is anything a man knows something about, it’s how to close the deal on a climax because believe you-me, the climax for them is the important part of any of their stories. Me, I can agree that the climax is very important to me right now because I want to get to the end of this bloody story. So what can I learn from men and their all-intent focus on getting to the climax? How is it they’re able to close the deal and I can’t get to the end of the current bloody chapter I’m on? Inquiring minds want to know.

Let’s break it down, shall we? I believe the “Closing the Deal” System men implement can be broken into three identifiable parts:

1.)    The Hook

2.)    The Funny-Serious Charm

3.)    The HEA

Now if it’s a good looking guy—and say he’s got some animal magnetism like Taylor Lautner, the only hook he needs is to whip off his shirt at an opportune moment and then move onto 2 and 3. But never worry, a guy doesn’t need major pecs and a pair of guns (though they help) to win a girl’s attention. He just needs a hook. Could be a Porsche or a law degree, or for those of us unimpressed by those things, a crooked smile and a helpless manner at the mailbox. Just something that will get the girl to pause long enough so they can implement stage two: The Funny-Serious Charm.

The Funny-Serious Charm has to be good because a Hook will only get you so far. (Unless you’ve got Taylor Lautner’s pecs.) Marilyn Monroe once said, If a man can make a woman laugh, he can make her do anything. And how right that statement is. A man who can make me laugh is almost as effective as pouring me shots of tequila and waiting for the clothes to come off. Occasionally it’s more effective. I’m not sure what it is that makes it’s so effective. It could be that a lot of jokes are slightly self-deprecating, so it gives the illusion he’s humble; and there is the possibility if he’s telling a joke, he’s not talking about how much money he makes every year, which can be tiresome. But it’s imperative to follow this laugh with something serious. Give a girl time to catch her breath and realize there is a wounded man beneath. After all, that’s why people are funny; they’re trying to cover for a broken heart. Girls can resist men with broken hearts about as much as they resist a guy who’s funny. Which is basically not at all.

Lastly, men close the deal with The HEA. And Lord, they better, because if they get to the crux of the situation and don’t deliver a HEA, there will be no second opportunity. If you’re going to get a girl all invested in your hook and your funny charm, not to mention your wounded broken heart, you better be bringing the goods for the climax, my friend, or you’ll have to take your show to another state.

So back to writing.

How does a girl close the deal with a publisher or agent? Same way. You need a hook. Like women, these guys are looking for a reason to shoot down your pick-up line so it better be good. And it better not be lame like, “Did it hurt?” or “Wait, I have to call my mother.” You better have something original. Believe me, these guys have seen every pick-up line imaginable.

Then, once you have their attention, for God’s sake, don’t lose it. Bring out the Charm—both the funny and the serious. Don’t be dumping a whole bunch of backstory—nobody needs to hear that out the gate; and do keep it interesting. You can be dark and mysterious; or you can be light and entertaining—but foremost, be yourself. (A charming and highly-entertaining version of yourself, but yourself nonetheless.) Don’t be James Bond—he’s been done and you won’t do a good job. They’ll know you’re being a fake; and no one likes big, fat fakers.

Once they’ve fallen in love with you—and you can do it, believe me, men do it all the time—close the deal. Deliver the Happily Ever After. Don’t be lame about it. Don’t skimp on the foreplay and action. Give it all you’ve got, because if you shank the HEA, you’re going to have one grumpy-ass publisher or agent. And don’t dither around getting to the HEA. Don’t be giving us foreplay and action for the sake of foreplay and action—okay, some women just argued with me there (“I’ll take foreplay”)—but honestly, don’t you hate to be naked, writhing, and so close—and then the guy goes, “Well, that’s it for today. Later.”  Imagine ending a book like that. I’d kill someone. That’s the number one rule, right there: Don’t do anything that will make your readers want to kill you at the end of the novel. If you’re going to have all that build up, it better be a Fourth of July ending.

Important questions of the day: Best or cheesiest pick-up line you ever used or heard. Best book you’ve ever read that “closed the deal” and you couldn’t wait to get in bed with that author again. Are you having trouble closing the deal on your current manuscript? Share your woes here.