A Pirate’s Christmas Carol: Ghost of Christmas Present
I’d just settled back down to my laptop after the interruption of Christmas past. I really had no time for this nonsense! And if I wasn’t going to sleep, I might as well be productive. All this walking down memory lane was, in a word, ridiculous.
A bit of cold air brushed across my back as the clock struck two. Why did I insist on that stupid grandfather clock anyway? The chiming was damned annoying and so terribly impractical for a pirate ship.
“You ready for me?” A hearty voice sounded at my ear, just as a heavy hand fell on my shoulder, upsetting the careful placement of my fingers to the keyboard.
I jerked with a scream, my heart pounding painfully in my chest as I turned and gazed at the specter to my right.
His eyes were bright, but the wig, perched precariously atop his head, was crooked. He grinned. Before I could manage a reply, my eyes wandering to the bright red coat edged with dirty white fur at the cuffs, he scratched at the aforementioned wig. I watched a stream of sand promptly come lose and land on my keyboard.
With a screech of outrage this time, I shot to my feet. My hands were dusty with sand! “You idiot! You got sand all over my keyboard! SAND! God fricking danged blessed jaysus!” (Trying not to curse was working my imagination overtime. Screw Sin and that bet!)
He snickered and took a step back. I advanced, sand drifting from my hands to the cabin floor.
“Now, now, Captain Hellion, it’s just a little sand… A little Dustbuster and….”
“Who the frick are you and what are you doing in my cabin?” I tried to regain some dignity, in the face of this obviously deranged fop. I readied a fist to hurry him on his way….
“I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!” he intoned rather loudly. Standing tall, he bowed low, his hand twirling with a graceful gesture, “Daniel Defoe, Captain.”
The Heavens have got to be kidding me. They couldn’t have sent Mark Twain? Bronte, sure; Austen, definitely; but this lunatic? “Defoe!? The only Defoe I might be interested in seeing in this cabin isn’t you! Get out!”
“Another Defoe? Not that English buffoon, Gideon Defoe? He claims to be related, but it’s all nonsense. And the stupid childish pirate series he’s written is pure balderdash. Who ever heard of a pirate keeping a ham and not eating it?” The specter shook his head.
I had no idea what he was talking about, though it sounded vaguely like something Chance had prattled on about once. But I seldom listened to her. She was always saying I needed a hug. Crazy hippie! I pointed to the cabin door. “I have no time for Christmas, present, past or future. Get out of my cabin, I have writing to do!” If I could get the sand out of my laptop. Frick. That thing had cost me a bloody fortune!
The ghostly Defoe drew himself up and made a grand gesture around the cabin, “Make time, Captain! Or you will find yourself marooned…alone with no friends, no family, no celebrations….”
His sweeping gesture was having an alarming effect on my surroundings. Sand began pouring out of my bookshelves, as if the books had disintegrated, and out of the walls, streaming to the floor and immediately rising up to cover things on my floor. I gaped at my feet. The rising tide of sand was filling my cabin! Before I could react, it swelled, rising to my waist! To my shoulders! I was going to drown under the sand. I took several panicked breaths, wondering which one would be my last. The sand pushed at the cabin walls…I heard them creak with the weight…then they burst away. I screamed, covering my head with my arms, expecting the ceiling and assorted rigging to come raining down on me.
Instead, a calm and quiet descended. I opened my eyes to see nothing but sand, every direction I looked. Oh, and one lone palm tree. I sighed, began to brush the sand off my arms. “You don’t have to keep doing this. I’ve learned my lesson about ramen noodles and cock sauce before bedtime. Shit.” Well, there went the bet.
“Alo-o-o-o-o-o-one! Alo-o-o-o-o-o-one!”
I looked around, wondering where that stupid chanting was coming from. Shaking the sand out of my pants, I glanced up into the tree. It was that blasted ghost. He grinned at me, “This will be your fate, Captain Hellion. If you do not repent your isolated ways!”
“Nothing wrong with some peace and quiet. If I had my laptop, this would be an ideal place to write.” If one could keep the sand out of the keyboard. A sudden discomfort at my crotch made me aware of how much the sand had crept into every crevice. My temper broke again. “You bastard! The only way I want sand in my pants is when I get it there! Wake me up, you ragged impression of a ghost!”
He shook his head at me. “You aren’t asleep, you stupid pirate.” He jumped from the tree and grabbed my arm. I tried to shake him away, but he was persistent.
“Let me show you what you’re missing…”
The island faded away and suddenly, I was standing to the side of Santa’s galley. She and Chance were giggling over some orange liquid they were pouring into a huge glass mold of some sort.
“I don’t know where you found this, but it’s perfect,” Santa said with a laugh.
“Me glassmaker is most accommodatin.’ I think it be a perfect replica a’ the Kraken. Now, let me pour in the orange slices….” Chance reached for a bowl of sliced mandarins. They did smell good. The entire galley smelled good.
“How are you going to get them to float and not just stay at the bottom?” Santa asked.
“Me Mum said ta set a timer and stir them every ten minutes until the jello sets up,” Chance giggled as they splashed. “Gonna look like he ate every critic we toss ‘im!”
“Well, he does that anyway. You’re going to have to stir, Chance. I have to get this feast together!” Santa turned to her huge table, covered with delicacies of every sort. I reached out to flinch a bit a huge cookie, shaped like a treasure chest brimming with coins. My hand passed right through. Well, that was one way to stick to a diet. The icing looked thick too. Blast.
“Well now, off you go, Chance. I’m sure you’ve a ton of lights to hang along the masts. Don’t forget to tell Sin to stir that mulled wine over the fire we set up on deck earlier.” On the deck? Of MY ship? Were they trying to burn us to the sea? Someone had to stop this ridiculous…. “I love mulled wine. It just leaves me feeling all warm and tingly inside. I’ll be sure to set aside a glass or two to share with Capt’n Hellie.”
Warm and tingly, I muttered. I’ll tell you what makes me all warm and tingly and it has nothing to do with a bit o’cinnamon laced wine, I can tell you that much. A ship not burned to the sea is what made me warm and tingly!
Hmm, yes, I shivered as I looked over to Santa’s worktable and remembered another kind of feast Captain Jack and I made not too long ago while everyone was ashore enjoying the tropical delights of our latest port of call.
I weaved to the right as a roll whizzed past my head.
“Hey, watch it, Defoe. As I recall this is my dream!”
“You are as daft as you’ve ever been! Stay focused. I’m to show you what you’ll be missing if you keep to your singular, myopic vision of what a writer is. Can’t you see that it’s all around you? What’s really important?”
I watched as Defoe pointed to Yorkshire Pudding, platters of roasted vegetables, a roast pig, pepper-crusted filet mignon and more delights than I’d ever be able to stick a fork to. But it was just food. Empty calories to my mind. Food is an everyday thing and something we need just to—
THUD. A copper pot bounced off my shoulder and banged on the floor.
“What was that for?” I turned and glared at the direction the pot came from.
“I heard what you were thinking about food,” Santa bellowed.
“You can’t hear my thoughts! You’re just a part of this crazy dream!”
“I can do anything your subconscious wants me to do, Captain Dullard. Just empty calories, indeed. Best calories you’d ever be lucky to eat, they’d be!”
“Now. Now. Can’t we be friends? And, Cap’t., it’s not just about the food,” Defoe said congenially, smiling as both of us as if we were only having a schoolyard squabble.
“Speak for yourself, wilderness boy,” Galley Ho Santa muttered.
Defoe peered down his nose at my cantankerous ship cook, but she merely crossed her arms and “harrumphed” back. My guide cleared his throat nervously and continued. “Captain, by closeting yourself in your quarters, you are missing out on the banquet that is life. Your only hope for making your mark in the world of writing is to take a meal at the table.”
I was suddenly realizing why while Defoe had been a journalist and novelist, he had not been a poet. Thank God. The world was so much better off without these clichéd metaphors.
“I eat with this scurvy lot every night. I go ashore and can out drink and out wench any one of them! I’m a goddess in their eyes. How can you say I’ve not eaten well at all the entertainments I flood this rotting ship with?”
I gingerly moved away from the line of fire as Galley Ho made a grand display of handing a cast iron skillet to Daniel Defoe. Thankfully, he declined the offer and turned again to me.
“Since you refuse to listen to reason, I’ll show you what merry is being made without you and, more likely as not, will continue without your sorry arse.”
With a wave of his tankard, we were transported to the upper deck where the crew was still putting up garlands of seaweed and shells around the deck. They’d started a drinking game. For each failed attempt to swing the rope around the railing, that pirate would have to take a shot. They did not look to be trying very hard.
2nd Chance lifted the frosted shot of Lemoncello to her lips. She knocked back one shot and then, in quick order, threw back two more.
“One for the captain, two for me. Captain’s not here, so I don’t have to share, which makes it an even three.” Three was slightly slurred.
From that point on, each pirate in turn took a shot and lampooned the absent Captain.
“It’s a shame she isn’t here to join in the fun,” Marn, gently rounded by her latest stud research adventure, mused.
“She’d only chastise us for wasting good seaweed for decoration instead of roping. And then she’d confiscate our drinks. It’s all work, work, work with her and no room for fun. Speaking of fun, where’s that cheeky monkey?”
“I saw her moving Hellie’s strawberries. I’ve warned monkey not to screw with Hellie’s things but all I ever get is shrieking.” Bo’sun shrugged this off and continued sipping her tankard. Yes, I could see she was greatly concerned for me. They all seemed so greatly concerned on my behalf, after all I had done for them!
“I’ve seen enough. I don’t need them. I’ve my island. I could just sail away from this all and go to my personal treasure island. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need a furlough to re-energize or to make my writing shine! Take me away from here.”
I stole a quick glance at Christmas Present and saw that his countenance was not what it was at the beginning of our journey. Lines formed around his eyes and his beard was now a snowy white. His vim and vigor were waning. His time with me must be coming to an end. Thank God. This ridiculous side trip was coming to an end, and Defoe would would be returning to write bad poetry in the afterlife. And I could finally get some rest!
“You want your island? I’ll give you your island, and you’re welcome to it!” Defoe waved his hand, this time with a shot of Lemoncello in it, and suddenly we were no longer aboard ship.
We were on my glorious private island.
Alone.
Where was my netting draped hut?
Where were all the servants I kept here year round.
Where was my beloved, half naked Jack? William? Richard Armitage? (Well, when Santa wasn’t fantasizing about him, he’d visit me.)
I twirled around and found nothing but a savage wilderness. Suddenly the sounds of the jungle rang in my ears, no longer quieted by the buzz of daily life that I’d made my island to be.
Suddenly, it dawned on me what was happening.
“Hey, Defoe, I’m no Robinson Crusoe! This is not my beautiful house. Where’s my beautiful Jack?”
Daniel Defoe’s voice, thread-like now that his time on earth was waning, came from the heavens, “All you’ll ever have is this island, if you don’t change your ways, Hellion. That ship is full of merriment, all waiting for you to be a part of. Change your ways! Change your ways!”
His voice faded, leaving me stranded on a massive pile of sand where my desk once stood. I was never going to get the sand out of my computer. Let alone the cabin…on a ship I no longer had. Wearily I went to my knees, my belly grumbled in regret at the feast I’d seen in the galley.
Fine, I’d lose some weight. Always wanted to lose some weight. They’ll all get fat…and never finish their books!
“Screw them all! I’ll find my computer, blow the sand out and get working! And if that doesn’t work, there is always longhand! Ever hear of pen and paper, people! Ha! You’re not going to outwit me! Stupid Christmas! Stupid crew! Stupid ghosts!”
But I was talking to air, to the empty still walls of my cabin, which was devoid of sand and meddling ghosts and merriment. I lowered my hands, feeling for the first time that I was alone—or worse, lonely. Being alone was desirable. I could get a lot done when I wasn’t bewitched every five minutes with one nagging question or another. But lonely? That was another cask of rum. What would be the point of writing the most magnificent novels in the world if there was no one to share the triumph with? Was that what Defoe had been saying? That if I didn’t mend my ways, that in the end it didn’t matter how great a writer I was if there was no one to share it with.
I was being ridiculous. I couldn’t be lonely on a ship of writers. I tripped over more bodies on my way to the loo than any writer should ever have to bother with. There were an infinite number of writers here I could share my triumphs and trials with. They weren’t going anywhere…and I wasn’t going anywhere but back to bed.
This evening was a colossal waste. Ridiculous. I climbed up into the high Captain’s bed and pulled the comforter back over my head, but even as I closed my eyes, I felt a tremor of unease. So far tonight, Miss Austen had been correct in her foretellings. So far tonight, had been visited by two of the three ghosts she promised. And so far, they’d gotten progressively worse.
And even as I knew better—being a writer and all and knowing the danger of rhetorical questions—I had to think: How much worse could it get?
Question of the Day: What will your Christmas feasts entail and who will you be spending your holidays with? What traditions do you most cherish—or are most odd? Which Ghost from the Christmas Carol is your favorite and why?
December 16th, 2009 at 12:14 am
I be goin’ ta me Mum’s. She don’t do a whole lot a’ cookin’ anymore. So mayhaps I’ll entice me DH inta makin’ lumpia (Filipino eggrools). We may do a potluck, as we did last year. Long as Mum makes cinnamon rolls…
Traditions…stockin’s in the mornin’… Those, the DH and I do alone. As we stuff ‘em wit’ things we don’t wanta share… And I don’t mean chocolate!
And I may be makin’ some orange jello…
December 16th, 2009 at 12:17 am
*wicked grin* You know it might be worth getting a stocking if that was the sort of item Santa was going to bring me. *LOL*
Filipino eggrolls? Can you share the recipe?
December 16th, 2009 at 1:23 am
I’ll get me DH ta write up the recipe and send it along, Cap’n. I warn ya, they be totally addictive…
Aye, a visit ta the local adult toy store is in the works fer this week…
Plus Cost Plus fer the chocolate…
December 16th, 2009 at 3:04 am
REDICULUS!
Oh Lord. I just know these pirates are going to haunt me until Christmas now!
Sorry Chance, no time, I gotta Go. Just time to say its great, if a little wordy!
AND I missed Sin’s masterwork yesterday.
Sin Darling, please forgive me if you’re still here.
You can haunt me any time luv. The big football sock hanging from the foot of the bed is mine by the way.
I’m cooking Christmas dinner this year! Specially for my 5 year old grand. She thinks I can cook!
Any pirate ghosts passing by, do drop in!
December 16th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Fabulous! It just keeps getting better.
My family parties begin on the 23rd-family party at my Aunt and Uncle’s house~Santa comes every year. I don’t know how she gets him to come so close to Christmas, but he’s there. This is really fun for me as we only make it down once or twice a year.
Christmas Eve we spend with my in-laws. Huge party with way to much food. Love it!
Christmas morning is just our family-DH, DD, & DS. We go to his Mom’s in the afternoon, again way to much food, but delicious.
The last big one is with my syblings, we get together some time after Christmas, and before New Year’s for the kids gift exchange and white elephant gifts for the adults. And, of course way to much food-and fudge!
My favorite ghost is the ghost of Christmas Present, he is full of life and possibilities.
Di
December 16th, 2009 at 7:12 am
We’ll be going to my oldest daughter’s house Christmas Day and I have no idea what’s on the menu. We always have “heavy hors d’oervres” (spelling?) and champagne Christmas Eve and we may have that here…but we’re pretty disorganized this year. We already sort of celebrated Christmas and birthdays this past week when everybody was home and I am family-full.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Another awesome post!
We’ll be heading to the Hubby’s Aunt & Uncle’s house where the whole family goes every Christmas. We love spending time with them so it’s my favorite place to go!
For traditions, the family agreed years ago to only do Stockings – no gifts. And it seems the goal is to stuff the stockings with the coolest stuff you got for free throughout the year. So, each stocking has company branded pens, golf ball tees, etc. It’s kinda fun to see what crazy things we can come up with this year!
For food, we actually have Christmas Lasagna. The Hubby didn’t warn me the first time I spent Christmas with his family and I was waiting for the turkey when out comes…Lasagna.
I learned that his Grandmother, who immigrated here from Italy, has the whole family do a day of creating Lasagna on Christmas Eve. Each person is part of the assembly line and each gets to add their own filling to their pan. They freeze all the pans and everyone gets to take thier own pan home with them for an after holiday feast.
I’ve never looked at Lasagna the same way!
December 16th, 2009 at 8:14 am
Chance: I’m hoping they’re totally addictive. *LOL* My first boyfriend used to make really good eggrolls. (Actually his MOTHER did; and he shared the secret to making them not pop when they were fried in grease–yes, this was back in the day when I didn’t have to worry about eating fried foods so much–Peanut Butter. I thought at the time that it sounded disgusting, but once I did it, I got totally addicted to them. *LOL*)
December 16th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Q, my Dad always fixes the breakfast meal. Bacon, eggs, biscuits & gravy. Sometimes hashbrowns if you’re lucky (i.e. you grate them, he’ll fry them). Usually pretty tasty–though he tends to like to “brown” his flour for the gravy, which frequently leads to burnt tasting gravy. All in all, though, still rather edible. None of us volunteer to cook breakfast in any case.
I’m sure you’re a better cook.
Your granddaughter is very lucky. And I’m sure spending time with you is the best part of all.
Sorry these are getting very wordy. *LOL* I think Friday’s will be blissfully short, though I can’t promise that the pirates will quit haunting you.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Di, that Santa is a rascal. It is awesome of him to take time out of his busy schedule to see you and your family ahead of time. You all must be excellent people. (I’m usually too naughty to merit a trip period.)
The GofCPresent was always the most fun, I thought. He at least had the best food and frivolity. Christmas Past was too much about regret; the Future was too much like a Cotton Mather sermon–but the Present was just like a best friend who visits you when you’re depressed: “Hey, dummy, you could be at a party! Throw a dress on and let’s go.”
December 16th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Maggie, I think appetizers are the best part of any meal. *LOL* They’re bite-sized and yummy–and usually covered in cheese. (Maybe I’ll make some crab stuffed mushrooms this year.) And champagne makes everything a party…and you have LOTS to celebrate this year, yes?
December 16th, 2009 at 8:27 am
For traditions, the family agreed years ago to only do Stockings – no gifts. And it seems the goal is to stuff the stockings with the coolest stuff you got for free throughout the year. So, each stocking has company branded pens, golf ball tees, etc.
This seems like a very awesome, fun tradition. I might have to give this a whirl. I’ll have to run it by my friends; and we can save up cool stuff for each other all year. Poor things get so stressed out trying to think of a gift for me that I haven’t bought yet.
And the Grandmother-Lasagna tradition is so sweet!!! Gah! Now that is what Christmas is all about!!
December 16th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Well, let’s see… I’m leaving for Florida to visit my mom and sister tomorrow night. When I’m there I’m guessing we’ll have ham and potato salad (one of my family traditions).
On Christmas Eve, we’re going to a good friends. I’m guessing it’ll be all kinds of good foods…. ham, turkey, trimmings and every sweet thing possible. After that party, we head to my brother in laws late night for cocktails and appetizers.
Christmas morn, I do breakfast here as my kid’s the only grandchild right now. So I’ll make breakfast casserole, get donuts and bagels, and fruit, coffee, juice….
Christmas afternoon we hit my mom-in-laws for beef tenderloin and the trimmings.
Needless to say, not a good week to be watching my diet, especially because I’m sure every single get together will have a whole selection of cookies and sweets. LOL!
Great blog Chance and Santa!!
December 16th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Another wonderful installment to the Pirate Christmas Carol. I can totally see Santa getting that violent when someone disparages food. LOL!
I admit, when I first read this, I didn’t not think the glass mold was in the shape of the Kraken. Something else seemed more likely on this ship. Something that could be found in Chancey’s stocking. LOL!
Well, it’s just kiddo and I for Christmas this year and I’m considering cooking a small ham. She raved about the ham she had in AR during Thanksgiving. Ham is easy, right? (Please tell me it’s easy.)
There aren’t any traditions in my life anymore, though kiddo asked me about this recently. She wants traditions. *sigh* I think we’ll do a movie Christmas day. And maybe drive around to check out all the lights, including the ones down at the beach.
Other than that, we’re spending our Christmas season trying to keep the cat from destroying the tree. Did a real number on it yesterday. It looked like they wrestled and the tree lost.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Geez, Marn, I’m exhausted just reading your festivities. *LOL* You’re going to need a vacation after your holidays. *LOL* (My favorite was the cocktails and appetizers! But I’d be happy to attend any of these parties. I can bring my own fork.)
December 16th, 2009 at 8:38 am
I admit, when I first read this, I didn’t not think the glass mold was in the shape of the Kraken.
Me, too. *LOL*
December 16th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Dude, a tradition is whatever you want to do. As you’re fond of saying: make something up.
Lots of people go get Chinese food and go to a movie (or several)–and that’s tradition for them.
We used to open our gifts Christmas Eve–that was tradition. We also used to decorate our tree on Christmas Eve too. My sister started a tradition of making a birthday cake for Jesus, which we ate Christmas morning for breakfast. (Bill Cosby would be so proud.)
Lord, it can be anything.
Oh, and Ham is easy.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:43 am
You’re never going to win with the tree, by the way. My co-worker said she had to dart back into her house this morning and as she did so, she saw her cat frozen in place, one paw extended and touching an ornament on the tree, as if thinking, “If I don’t move, maybe she won’t see me.”
December 16th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I missed Sin’s post yesterday too! Bravo to both you and Chance!
I’m not a big fan of Christmas past… just like Hellie said – too much regret. I’m with Di on Xmas present lots of hope and possibility. I don’t really want to know my future… (that’s the Eeyore in me) I’m always thinking it’s not going to be good.
My next 2 weeks are jammed packed – carpeting being installed today; DH and I make our annual trek out to do all our Xmas shopping in one day tomorrow; neighbor holiday get together Friday; Xmas cookie baking for the neighbors this weekend; wrapping, last minute shopping all next week; mass on Xmas eve; Lasagna dinner at my house for 15 Xmas day-DH’s family; my family’s annual Xmas party/sleepover the day after Xmas for 33; Jersey Boys downtown on Dec. 28th; Xmas downtown with my out of town relatives on Dec. 29th; admittance to insane asylum on Dec. 30th!!!
Sabrina, we had Lasagna for Xmas after my sister married her husband (he’s Italian) and the first time my DH showed up for Xmas dinner he was appalled. Now this year we decided for convenience (and cause we found out on Thanksgiving that a majority of the family doesn’t like Turkey) we are going to go Italian on Xmas day. I’m very excited, especially cause the DH is making the lasagna this weekend and I’ll have a relatively clean kitchen on Xmas day!
December 16th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Bumbles doesn’t even try to sneak most of the time. Though the only reason it hasn’t come down while I’m in the living room is because I try to cut him off before it happens. The thing keeps falling in the exact same way, so I’m pretty sure he’s pushing it from the windowsill.
Part of the tradition trouble is that she’s only here every other year. We do open Christmas presents first thing Christmas morning, but that’s more just how the holiday works. We leave cookies for Santa too. This year I suggested brownies and she quickly replied, “You just want brownies.”
Smart kid.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:50 am
Forgot to say I love lasagna and it’s the one thing I actually make (and make well if I do say so myself.) That would be a great tradition.
Irish – Perhaps you can just do a 24 hour stay in the asylum and be out in time to drink in the new year. It does sound like you’re going to need LOTS of drinks. LOL!
I too prefer the ghost of Christmas Present. Doesn’t throw in your face the mistakes or missed opportunities of the past and still offers some hope of the blessings right in front of you. More of a positive spin before Mr. Doom & Gloom arrives.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Loved this installment of the story! Favorite parts were the sand and the Kraken mold (also didn’t think it was the Kraken!).
Not many Christmas traditions. I’m lucky to be a guest and not the host so I bring a dessert. I do make a mean lemon meringue pie. (Why I pick something that is risky to travel with I don’t know!) The one time in my life I was a host for the big meal was for about ten military guys who needed to get out of the barracks. All I remember is that there was a lot of frantic timing involved. And some drinking that didn’t make it so frantic.
It actually turned out.
As mentioned, the Christmas Present ghost is a lot about fun so that’s my favorite too.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Wonderful continuation of the story Chance!
We always have a big Christmas celebration at our house on Christmas day! This year’s theme ( I always have a theme) is snowmen, all my decorations, food, ect revolves around snowmen!I found these great snowmen marshmellows! Lots of food, fun and family!
For New Years we are going out to Jackson Hole Wyoming, to see our daughter and her husband! Now my two boys will be joining us, so there will be skiing, snowmobiling, snowshoeing and spa days! My son in law will be doing sound on New Years Eve for a band and we all have been invited to the show and dinner there! Should be very fun!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:03 am
admittance to insane asylum on Dec. 30th
After reading all that, I’m looking forward to asylum myself. *LOL*
A sleepover for 33? Are you kidding? *LOL* What’s that about? How old are the people at this sleepover? Are you talking kids? Are you mad?
Ha, ha! More Christmas lasagna! This is awesome! (My Dad would never go for this. *LOL* He’s not a huge turkey fan, but he’d prefer the turkey over the lasagna. Can’t get his fork to work properly…) But lasagna is perfect–all that red, green and white!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:06 am
We do open Christmas presents first thing Christmas morning, but that’s more just how the holiday works.
Not necessarily. Lots of people do the Christmas Eve route too, you know.
Have you tried moving the tree further from the window? Where he has to make a death defying leap to reach it from the windowsill?
*snorting about the brownies* NICE.
And you should totally go to movies on Christmas Day on years she’s not here. Lots of great movies come out Christmas day. Then you can get in the habit of the tradition. *LOL*
December 16th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I agree, Bo’sun, Irish should just develop a drinking problem. It’d be a lot cheaper than the asylum. And when you’re tipsy, everything seems like a good idea…and fun.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:10 am
The one time in my life I was a host for the big meal was for about ten military guys who needed to get out of the barracks. All I remember is that there was a lot of frantic timing involved.
VERY sweet. You should have made lasagna…that feeds a crowd!!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Awesome awesome continuation! Great job Santa and Chanceroo!
Usually Christmas is a jumble of places. Since Matt’s parents have stayed in town for the past two, we’ve tried to stagger my parents and his so that we can see both families. This year, um, I’m hosting Christmas dinner. Which means, I will get up, get shit ready, make breakfast so Mattycakes won’t gnaw off my arm in the process and try to have a mid-afternoon dinner.
So the menu is: Ham, Turkey, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, noodles, veggies, rolls, pie, cake, cookies, alcohol… Lots and lots of alcohol to make everyone think the food is good. *grin*
December 16th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Jane, I love themes as well!!
You should always have one thing that ties the whole party together. *grins* Sounds like a lot of fun–and love that NYE is already planned for! Sweet!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
True. My ex-inlaws do everything Christmas Eve, mostly because they are all giant children and can’t wait. Though they have to wait this year because they want kiddo there. Ha! They’ll never make it. LOL!
Moving the tree won’t make much difference. I bought the cheapest pre-lit tree I could find for just this reason. Then bought cheap decorations that he couldn’t do much to and I didn’t care if he destroyed. No sentimental value, you know? We haven’t even gotten the regular Christmas stuff out of the storage room.
I’m all about the movies these days. Sherlock Holmes is Christmas day, right? *googles* Yep, we’ll be seeing Sherlock on Christmas.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Totally going to Sin’s house for Christmas Dinner.
Oh, wait.
I’m cooking Christmas dinner at the farm. But much smaller scale. My sister already told me she didn’t care about Christmas dinner.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:19 am
When does Is go to the inlaws for Christmas then? You have her Christmas Day and then what?
Oh, yes, Sherlock is Christmas Day. *LOL* I think Robert Downey Jr is going to find his stocking stuffed this year.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:30 am
That sounds so dirty, Hells.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:30 am
And you know you’re always welcome at the house.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Ter, traditions are easy and don’t have to revolve around that day. Seeing the Xmas decorations is a good one, making a special dessert – make brownies and decorate them with snowflakes or something. We watch Xmas movies all through the season and usually save It’s A Wonderful Life or White Christmas for Xmas Eve. Before my MIL died we went to Chili’s every Xmas Eve and then on to mass. Now with my FIL around and staying overnight we can’t do that – he HATES Chili’s.
I don’t plan a lot on Xmas Eve cause I’m usually so far behind that I need that day to finish up cooking, shopping and wrapping. If I had to dress up, dress the whole family up and be somewhere it would seriously cut into my last minute “I gotta get this done” time.
Hellie, I have 6 siblings and 16 nieces and nephews and assorted in-laws in my immediate family. We used to get together to exchange and celebrate at my Mom’s house. About 15-20 years ago the guys started playing Risk games that went into the wee hours and wives and kids just sacked out overnight. I had to go and buy a bigger house as the family kept growing and I can fit everyone a little easier than she can. Some are travelling from out of state or from far away so due to the all night Risk games happening and to avoid the drinking and driving we offer them part of the floor to crash on! That has turned into our tradition! I keep waiting for someone to buy a bigger house.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Since my immediate doesn’t get together on Xmas day, my mother and sister have been catching movies on Xmas day for years. That is their new tradition and they love it!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:38 am
The DH and I were out at a Xmas party last weekend and I drank water all night. He commented on the fact that we’d been to several get togethers and I had been sticking with water. I told him I had to stay healthy for the next couple of weeks (alcohol tends to knock me on my a$$ and bring on a cold) but that I was also saving up for December 26th. All bets are off that day!
December 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Oh – I forgot to mention…WINE and Bailys!
We’re quite the Wino family and Grandma always had to have a glass of Bailys over ice after dinner – we’re going to continue that tradition this year in her memory!
We used to all fill her stocking with those mini one-shot bottles you get behind the counter at the liquor store. She loved it and she had the best stocking of the bunch!
December 16th, 2009 at 10:01 am
The stocking thing is very fun. My sister is in charge of everyone’s stocking. She fills them all with all sorts of fun stuff and then everyone barters their stuff off. It is like an auction floor with 30 plus people shouting stuff like “Who’ll give me a Snickers for a pack of gum!”
December 16th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Irish – We have been doing the Christmas movies. The oddball ones on ABCFamily and this past weekend we did both It’s a Wonderful Life and White Christmas. I think this coming weekend they’re showing some Pooh ones.
Kiddo will be here until the day after Christmas when we head to Tennessee for her to meet up with her dad. She’ll spend the last week of the year in AR and come back the weekend of the 1st. The holiday fell on the perfect days of the week this year to make it all work out. And I’m taking off work the 23rd & 24th. I can’t wait!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Sabrina! Me neighbor always brings us a big pan of lasagna as a neighbor Christmas present! It weighs a ton, comes with a loaf of french bread, an extra jar of sauce and a fresh parmesan… An Italian family tradition!
We usually buy them a box of Sees candy.
Well, last year we gave them lumpia!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Q – We’ll haunt you anytime, anywhere…bwah ha ha!
Di R – Sounds like too much travelin’ fer me…but if it works fer ya…merry meetings!
Maggie – I like the idea a’ heavy horsde-ers…and champagne. Mmmmmmm.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Hel – uh…peanut butter? Fried them in peanut butter? Stuffed them with peanut butter? Coated them in peanut butter?
Now, me eldest sis cannot eat peas…so fer yer we make lumia – no peas.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Wow, Marn…that sounds insane. The food! The food! I haven’t eaten breakfast yet and I feel full just readin’ ’bout all this feastin’!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am
No, the “stuffing” had a tablespoon of peanut butter to “bind” the stuff together, then you wrapped them in the eggroll wrappers and fried them. Supposedly made them pop less in the oil. *shrugs*
They’re tasty.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Keep forgetting to tell you I had lumpia for the first time a couple years ago and surprisingly loved it. Co-workers wife originally from The Philipines and she brought it to a party. OMG! So good!
(And now Hellie will fall over that I actually like an ethnic food that is not Italian. LOL!)
December 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Cats and trees… I jus’ know I be an abusive kitty mommy. No tree ta play wit’!
Now, I figured Christmas feastin’ should be rated “G” … though now I want to find a jello mold at the adult store…
Ham. Buy a good one!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Who are you and what have you done with the Bo’sun?
December 16th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Bo’sun is still here. I’m trying to forget that the “P” stands for peas. *shivers*
December 16th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Irish needs sanctuary!
Melissa – OH…lemon merangue pie. Me Dad’s favorite desert, after me Mum’s lemon jello cake. I’ll send ya the recipe!
Ya know, me Mum did a lot of jello!
And ya all have nasty minds!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:23 am
I drooled a little bit thinking about Sees chocolate. I love going to Phoenix to see the fam, but truly, I love to go to get Sees. LOL
And Q, prepare to have your stocking filled for Christmas this year. *grin* I forgive you for missing yesterday. I missed most of it too.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:23 am
There aren’t a great many peas…it works!
P-butter ta bind it tagether…interestin’ idea!
Irish, yer makin’ me glad I don’t have a ton a’ family… LOL!
Sin! New house and hostin’ Christmas!? Yer a brave pirate!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I didn’t exactly want to host Christmas this year. Mattycakes decided it would be most excellent. I suppose I’m lucky he didn’t make us have Thanksgiving there. *shivering at the thought of all the mess then* Truly that would’ve been hell. It’s going to be bad enough that the house is still being worked on and we’re still in boxes and it’s not decorated for Christmas. I know what my next week is going to be filled with. Cleaning, sorting, organizing…
And my pirates are always welcome. Just take your shoes off before you step onto my new carpet. LOL
December 16th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Jane and snowmen… Did I tell ya she has 4 trees in her house!? The tallest needed her son ta stand in the second floor stairway ta put the star on top…
Jane’s daughter had surgery yesterday, so send her pirate luck ‘er way fer a speedy recovery!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Lady Jane! That sounds so wonderful! I can’t wait to have more than one tree. I plan on having at least two next year. Maybe three. Will depend if I can get the stuff to do a Christmas tree in Mattycakes’ man cave downstairs. I wish I could find the old Charlie Brown tree we had when we first moved in together. That would be classic.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Sin – This tree will be well-broken in by next year and already looks like a Charlie Brown tree. I’ll send it your way next Christmas. LOL!
What color is the carpet?!
Four trees? Really? When did this start? Doesn’t that take away the excitement of having THE Christmas tree?
December 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Why? Are you trying to find my house by carpet color and now are peeking into people’s windows?
December 16th, 2009 at 11:46 am
You caught me.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Ya ought ta use Google maps and spy on ‘er that way… The modern pirate’s tool!
December 16th, 2009 at 11:50 am
You can pull out the google map and even plug in the address and it will still pull up the wrong house. *grin*
December 16th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I love when Sin’s suspicious nature comes rushing to the forefront. It almost makes me appear sweet and unparanoid.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:56 am
How did ya arrange that, ya sneaky ninja tart!?
December 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
The carpet color in the main living area, downstairs, and hallways is called Soft Shell, it’s sort of a soft light coffee color to match my sand colored walls.
*grin* And if I told you my secrets, they wouldn’t be my secrets anymore you sneaky ninja brat.
December 16th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Hells, you are sweet and unparanoid. lol
December 16th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Wonder what the opposite a’ paranoid is…other than unparanoid?!
December 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I looked it up.
Antonyms for paranoid: balanced, healthy, rational, reasonable, sane, sound, well.
Clearly these do not describe anyone on this ship.
December 16th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
LMAO. I was just thinking that none of that describes us. LOL
December 16th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Balanced particularly cracks me up.
December 16th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I don’t know, we spend a lot of time in hammocks. That takes balance.
December 16th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Yes that is more kittykatish than metally balanced. LOL
December 16th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
If you want to be literal about it. Since when have we been literal about anything on this vessel?
December 16th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Loving this Mo and Santa!
Irish – I vote for drinking as well. Awesome way to get through the holidays.
Jane – I hope your daughter has an easy and speedy recovery!
I got devious this year. I made up some big lie about us going skiing with another couple, and got me and the hubs out of every Christmas celebration on my side of the family. Not only are they mean, crazy, and completely sober in their celebrations, but it’s a 26 hour drive. Each way. Seriously. So I lied, and I don’t feel even remotely guilty. Instead, we’ll just do Christmas day and the 27th with the in-laws. Wonderful and relaxing!
Ter – this is the best Ham recipe I’ve stumbled across, and it is absurdly easy: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Honey-Butter-Yule-Ham/Detail.aspx
Just make sure you get a ham that’s not pre-cooked. It should say “ready to cook” on it and it will NOT be a spiral cut ham (those are pre-cooked).
December 16th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
PS – I totally screwed up that recipe for Thanksgiving (mostly by forgetting about it), so cooked it for one hour in the oven, basting every 15 minutes or so with the sauce/drippings, and then put in a crockpot on high for 2 hours, and it still came out perfect. I’m making it again for Christmas.
December 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Thanks, Hal! (You know, we’re close enough, we should get together around the holiday. We could get Dee involved too now that she’s here!)
December 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Ohh, that’s a good idea! that’d be totally fun. Of course, I live exactly halfway in between you and Marn…hint, hint, both of you
December 16th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I’m up for a road trip! (A tiny one, as this would be.)
December 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Dude. This could be so fun
December 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
OK!! Just to set the record straight! (Chance has had to much rum today!) I have TWO trees at my house this year and ONE tree at the cabin we are staying in in South Dakota where my husband is working!
Why two trees, well I LOVE Christmaas trees, I do , I wish I could have one in everyroom, but my DH draws the line there! So I have a 12ft tree, on my first level and downstairs where I will be hosting Christmas, I have a 6ft tree. Now most people say how the heck do you have so many decorations, I worked at a Christmas store as a manager for five years. My bonus every year was 2000.00 in merchandise at cost! Needless to say I have ALOT of decorations!
THANK YOU for the well wishes for my daughter! She is an amazing young lady and so deserves a quick recovery!
I would love to go on a road trip with a bunch of friends, I have never done something like that and think it would be so fun! I am trying to convince Chance to fly to Minnesota and drive to RT convention with me! I have a great surprise for her if she agrees!
December 16th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
P.S. Sorry I cannot spell or type today , forgive the typo’s!
December 16th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I can’t imagine Chancey passing up an adventure like that.
Thank goodness my sister has never been the manager at a Christmas store. She’s bad enough already. I can’t imagine what she’d do with that kind of shopping spree.
Get well wishes for your daughter!
December 16th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I’m trying to imagine $10,000 worth of Christmas decorations. I’d be the bloody one-woman Griswald show. But damn, it’d be fun. I do love the decorations.
December 16th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
I wonder if they make a giant, infatable Jack Sparrow wearing a Santa hat?
December 16th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Not an inflatable Jack, but one of those mechanical ones that moves and talks. *eyes lighting up*
December 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
A giant inflatable Jack Sparrow? That boggles the mind!
I’m already plannin’ on the flight ta Minn and the drive ta RT… No convincin’ necessary!
I thought it were four trees…
$10,000 in Christmas decorations? OK, I admit, I think that would be a horrible waste. I’d rather spend it on travelin’! Or books, or music…toys…
Ya need some good pics a’ this tree, Jane-o!
December 16th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Hal, yer brilliant. I hate lyin’ ta family. (In laws, Last Chance!) But sometimes, it be the only way ta keep from hurtin’ feelin’s or getting drugged inta somethin’ ya don’t want ta do!
More power ta ya!
December 16th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Hey! I’m balanced… One hand holds the rum, the other hand holds…the rum!
December 16th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Hal clearly didn’t watch Four Christmases. *LOL* That lying bit doesn’t always work. But hopefully it’ll at least work this year.
December 16th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
A lifelike Jack standing in a pirate ship looking sleigh holding the compass. With that twinkle in his eye and saying things like “Rum for all the naughty ones!”
December 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Hal clearly didn’t watch Four Christmases. LMAO!! Actually, no, I haven’t seen it. But as I was typing out my master plan for avoiding Christmas it did occur to me that there are way too many similarities.
Esp as I know *nothing* about skiing, and will now have to make up stories in the Spring about how my first skiing trip went. Good thing I have an over-active imagination
December 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Is it safe to assume none of them read this blog.
December 16th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Start it off with twistin’ yer ankle and stayin’ in the lodge drinkin’ hot chocolate, watchin’ all the pretty snow outside…
December 16th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
A lifelike Jack standing in a pirate ship looking sleigh holding the compass. With that twinkle in his eye and saying things like “Rum for all the naughty ones!”
Now I want this. Thank you, Bo’sun. *LOL*
December 16th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Start it off with twistin’ yer ankle and stayin’ in the lodge drinkin’ hot chocolate, watchin’ all the pretty snow outside…
And Chance acts like she hasn’t done this before.
Hal, just make sure you’re not VIDEOTAPED doing other things and broadcast on national TV. That’s what will get you in trouble.
And you probably should watch Four Christmases. So you can get a little nostalgic for your insane family.
December 16th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
If your family is anything like Vince Vaughn’s was in that movie, I don’t blame you for lying. (Though Tim McGraw looked really good all buffed up. LOL!)
December 16th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I’m a writer…course I know how ta lie well!
So, Jack’s lookin’ at the heart’s desire compass? I want one a’ those…
December 16th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
That be one a’ the most imaginative bits a’ screenwritin’ I ever saw. A compass that shows ya ya the direction a’ yer heart’s desire…
December 16th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I love you pirates! Thanks for an awesome string of comments that made my day.
December 16th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I love you pirates! Thanks for an awesome string of comments that made my day.
December 16th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
You’re welcome, Sabrina! (Twice.)
Thanks for being a part of the fun!
December 16th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Always glad when the madness manages ta make a day easier…
Lookin’ forward ta tomorrow’s tale!