by Hellion | July 27th, 2010
Invariably I’m drawn to internet articles like a moth to a flame; and one particularly boring work day, I exhibited some moth-like behavior by pouring over news articles like old people pour over obituaries, on the lookout for something exciting or titillating.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/07/20/i.write.like.authors.website/index.html
Huh, I thought, Kim Kardashian can write? When did this happen?
Well, then I immediately needed to know what famous author I wrote like. I hoped it was someone good, like Mark Twain or basically any of the people but James Joyce. I plugged in a few paragraphs of the current manuscript, and I got Margaret Atwood. Nice. I can handle that.
Of course, I wasn’t satisfied with just one response. I needed to know if I inserted another bit of my writing I’d get the same answer. (Positively scientific of me, I know. I’m just as shocked.) You’ll be scandalized to know that I did not get the same writer. In fact, I used the same bit of writing, but restricted myself to three paragraphs instead of five or six. This time I got David Foster Wallace.
Who?
I’m no longer bored because now I have to Wikipedia the guy to find out who he is. Hmm, not bad. He seems to write in a more satirical vein, so that’s flattering; however, he was also very depressed and hanged himself. I hope this isn’t something you can catch. By now, I’ve enlisted Bo’sun in this game, and she reports back to me that she got Stephen King.
“What did you use?” Because seriously, nothing Bo’sun writes is scary…or particularly psychological. Well, not freaky I’m-a-serial-killer psychological at any rate.
“My Christmas story I’m sending to Women’s World.”
You can see why I’m getting really suspicious at this point. Bo’sun’s CHRISTMAS story is like Stephen King to this thing? I start taking out all the stops. Excerpts from my first completed manuscript (horrifying, I thought for sure Stephen King on this one)—nope, I got Ian Fleming. The James Bond guy. Now that’s rather hilarious. A different piece of the same manuscript and I got William Gibson (Mr. Cyberpunk of Science Fiction. Riiight. My stuff screams sci-fi. I’ll be sure to put that in the query letter.) An excerpt from my historical novel says my writing is like Mary Shelley—that’s nice, that means I have a historical voice then, right?
Actually I don’t really want to write like any of these authors. Bo’sun said the Atwood comparison was nice. “You’re a feminist.” Yes, I agreed, but I also write like that Wallace guy. A feminist who wants to hang herself, apparently. Clearly I’m not satisfied with any of these comparisons, mainly because none of the authors I got were authors I admired. What I actually want is a database of romance novelists’ works, and then I plug in my stuff and see who comes up.
Here’s my list of authors I’m hoping would come up and say my writing is similar to theirs:
1.) Julie Garwood: I love her ironic cliff-hanger one-liners at the end of chapters. I do that now because of her (at least I try to be ironic). Rest assured that’s the extent of the comparison. I’m no good at suspense…or hot, stoic heroes. Men of few words. My men babble unfortunately.
2.) J.K. Rowling: A wild hope for obvious, sad reasons
3.) Sophie Kinsella: If I can’t be J.K. Rowling, I want to be Sophie Kinsella. Only the American version, that is if we Americans can be as remotely funny, ironic, and clever as her British version. I don’t think we can, but it’s my endeavor.
4.) Jennifer Crusie: I want to write her characters, but without the pets. Neurotic, ironic, plagued by awful family members—it’s like reading about myself really, but with far better endings. And lots of dog hair.
5.) Lisa Kleypas: awesome characterization, phenomenal sex. I’m as likely to be compared to her as J.K. Rowling, but I had to add her.
6.) Stephanie Meyers: I’m only including her because clearly her novels are compelling and who doesn’t want to produce compelling novels? Exactly. Plus I suspect my heroines sound just as whiney as her Bella, so there is a good chance this is an author I’d be compared to.
7.) Laura Ingalls Wilder: You got me. Not a romance novelist, but really, J.K. Rowling isn’t either, and since I already cheated once…. Besides the woman was my idol all through my childhood and most of my teen years.
8.) Eloisa James: Yet another author I haven’t a prayer of being matched with—my vocabulary consists mostly of 4-letter words, unfortunately—but damn, wouldn’t I do a dance around my work station if the computer made that mistake of linking us?
I could keep this list going for another four or five days. There are so many romance novelists’ works I wish I’d written or I could write as good as: Teresa Medeiros, Anne Gracie, Linda Lael Miller, and Jude Deveraux just to name a few.
So while I’m hammering away at my manuscript, trying to be myself, but in a Sophie Kinsella-Jenny Crusie-Stephanie Meyers sort of way (think of it as a homage), what authors would you die of bliss at having your stuff compared to? Whose work do you frequently finish and go, “When I grow up, I want to be like her?” And while everyone is in Orlando, what are you reading this week? Anything good? My TBR pile is shrinking and I need some suggestions. Eloisa James’ new novel is out TODAY and I’m getting it ASAP. I wonder if I can leave work early today??
This is not a good week for manuscripts, is it? I think the stars are out of whack and everyone should stop waiting by the mailbox and read ELOISA JAMES’ new book. With a bowl of Breyer’s (Triple Chocolate is a good choice) of course. A dousing of the hardshell stuff.
Maybe they’re all getting their desks cleaned off before August vacation.
I wish somebody delivered ice cream. It seems so far away. LOL
I don’t know if I can read now. It’ll remind me of what I can’t write like (see? I can’t even write a decent sentence! LOL)
You’re Right, Hellie… But its not the stars. its Jupiter. From Astrology.com :
Dear Julie,
Jupiter goes retrograde in Aries on July 22-23, reverses into Pisces on September 9, where it turns direct again on November 18. Jupiter is the planet of expansion, success, confidence and good luck. When it goes retrograde, however, all that bountiful energy is turned inwards. During a Jupiter retrograde period, all outer materialistic ambitions become less important and indeed slightly harder to fulfil. You may find difficulties and obstacles where none existed before.
With Jupiter in fiery Aries from early June, we may have all felt a jolt of energy and forward progress, however as Jupiter retrogrades what is truly important is to connect with your spiritual center. You will find that you are putting a higher value on emotions and less emphasis on money and material possessions. You’ll want to connect at a deeper level with friends and partners and worry less about keeping up appearances.
More than anything Jupiter wants you to find a real sense of meaning and purpose in your life. This is the time to go inward – review – and reflect. New goals and aims should come out of this time of Jupiter retrograde period. Having a vision of your ideal is very important to Jupiter. Life isn’t all about collecting wood and drawing water — the treadmill of daily life. There is another dimension into which you can now move into. It may not be the time to act on your dreams, more a time to gestate — prepare, reflect, plan, and ask your muse for inspiration. Then by November you’ll be ready to move ahead.
So prepare, reflect, plan, and ask your muse for inspiration… and have plenty of ice cream on hand!
Nah, you should keep working on it, Donna. Sin likes receiving things she can set on fire.
Okay, whew. I thought she might have a fit when she found out “ice pick sold separately”. LOL
You think Sin doesn’t have a spare ice pick? Have you met Sin?
I just wasn’t sure it would be the right SIZE ice pick.
You know, “you must be THIS tall to wear this ice pick”. LOL
I’m sorry. This is funny as hell. LOL. I’m just sorry I missed it. “You must be THIS tall to wear this ice pick.” WTF. LMFAO
Jules, I’m sorry. I’m awful at remembering birthdays. I’m a total jackass.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I have something perfect for you. I just have to dig it out from the crow’s nest.
Watch out Jules. You’re in my planetary orbit now.
And last but not least…. A Cucumber? Are we about to do some alternate world to American Pie on the ship that I don’t know about?
Oh, and DRD they do deliver ice cream… Its call the Ice Cream Truck. Go shove some little kids out of the way.
Sin, I haven’t seen any ice cream trucks around here in a billion years. Which is fine, because I don’t really like what they offer. LOL I’m particular about my ice cream! Although I remembered I need to lose about 14 cartons’ worth of weight, so I decided to stay home and have iced coffee instead. Glad you liked the DRD and Hellion show.
Jules, thanks for the info re Jupiter. I can’t really wait til November for that planet to get back on board with my career plans though! LOL And Happy Birthday!
First big laugh of the day…Terri and the Tiki Room. Pirates was good and suddenly many of the things in the movie that people went ‘ooooooh’ about…explained!
Showering now. Well, Terri is. I’m next. Looks like a great blog and no hotties! See!
I got Margaret Atwood also, Hel. Hee, hee. Yup, ERB is someone I aspire to, but also Fritz Leiber, Ray Bradbury, Anne McCaffrey, Nina Kiriki Hoffman and a dozen others…
Marn – Sorry to hear about the rejection. But it sounds like a good rejection…better than…one of those ‘you suck’ things!
Hey, she’s done! My turn. No one told me how hot it was going to be here…
Oh, and this is 2nd Chance, not Bo’sun. Man, I’m logged in as her…ah, the havoc I could wreck!
Bo’sun again. My flight was at 6:30 this morning and since I slept it, I made it just in time to walk on the plane, with my shoelaces still untied from security. Chance took the red eye out of Cali last night so I’ve no idea how she’s awake.
I got in around 8:30a and she got in about 45 mins later.
Okay, need to dry my hair and put on some make up. Grabbing dinner then meeting up with Tiff, Kris, and Maggie for a night cap.
I took pics! Will take more!
Well, both of you Bo’suns — LOL — have a great time! Sounds like it’s fun already.
Had to make a Walmart run for ice cream for the patient and happened to wander into the book isle! I now have Wicked Intentions in my hot little hands and plan on starting it tonight before bed! YAY!!!!
I also picked up Skinny Cow Dulce de Leche ice cream for myself, Donna. I’ve had their fudgesicles and they are awesome. I’ve decided to try to eat lowfat ice creams whenever I can to alleviate some of the guilt.
And I forgot to tell Terri and Chance my 2 favorite rides at WDW – Mickey’s PhilarMagic in the Magic Kingdom and Soarin’ at Epcot’s Future World. Not worth a 2 hours wait in line but fun if you can catch them!
Irish, I love Skinny Cow! I’m not usually an ice cream sandwich kind of gal, but I can go through the Skinny Cow ones like nobody’s business! I will definitely stock up tomorrow.
2nd, one of my favorite things I read in high school was by Ray Bradbury, “There Will Come Soft Rains.”
You guys sound like you had the LONGEST day ever. Red eye flights (even 6:30 am is a red eye to me) and time at Disney World, and now dinner with the girls–you guys are going to CRASH tonight.
Irish, I love Skinny Cow ice cream!! Great stuff! I hope you love Wicked Intentions. Did you get EJ’s book too??
No I couldn’t find EJ at Walmart. I’m gonna try Target tomorrow. Those are the 2 closest to me and I always get 25% off. Every little bit helps.
Skinny Cow is my amazing discovery for the summer! I’m trying to watch the fat and fat calories in stuff that we all eat without giving up taste. It is getting easier and easier these days. Looking for all the Bob Greene Best Life products too – without spending too much or going nuts. I’m kind of determined to eat a little better than we have been. We’ll see how that goes…
Yeah, you guys better conserve your strength or you are going to be fried before the activities begin!
I’ll second that both of you Bo’suns should have a great time!
And Skinny Cow Icecream?
Gosh. I’ve never heard of it!
Which could explain why my DH has been known to describe my figure as “Well fed Midwestern beef.” Yes. I thought about killing him. Since there isn’t a jury in the world that would have convicted me. The women would have thought “He had it coming.” And the men would have thought “I can’t convict her. My wife/girlfriend/sister would kill me. And she’d get away with it cuz there isn’t a jury in the world that would have convicted her. The women would have thought “He had it coming.” And the men would have thought “I can’t convict her. My wife/girlfriend/sister would kill me. And she’d get away with it …