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Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
Due to unforeseen circumstances [read: you know how you think you attached a file to an email and you didn't?], your normally scheduled blog has been replaced with this one. No worries, you’ll be able to see the new blog later. So as you know what happens when something live on TV gets bumped by bad weather or writer’s strikes or whathaveyou, you get The Sound of Music! So fire up your singing voices, ladies and gentlemen! The hills are alive…
*Hellion enters the ship’s sound stage wearing a nun-outfit. Cue laughter. Hellion adjusts her wimple, poses her hands before her in an exaggeratedly proper position and starts to sing: *
Hellion:
How do you solve a problem like a first draft?
How do you revise a book you wish would go away?
How do you find the strength to query?
Ben & Jerry’s ice cream?
Rum and Captain Jack?
Paxil?
Many a thing I need to do before I send it;
Many a thing to fix before an Editor sees
But what if it’s as badly written as my inner critic claims?
What if I’m going to need to move to Belize?
How do you solve a problem like a first draft?
Hellion: *warbling slowly*
How do you know when it’s revised enough to please?
*Other pirates also in black smocks and wimples enter stage, same hand pose and start singing: *
The blog is alive with the sound of cheering
With hurrahs we have sung with each book we complete
The blog is alive with the sound of cheering
Typing The End is a victory most sweet.
*Terri steps forward, throws off wimple and strips off smock, revealing a Regency gown; other pirates follow suit, revealing similar gowns*
Terri: How did this outfit ever become fashionable? You could be Kate Moss and still look pregnant in these dresses? Gah.
Hellion: No idea, Terr, but you look great and not at all pregnant. *stepping forward, holding a guitar*
Hoydens in dresses and Marquises in fashion,
Rakes chasing spinsters and kissing them with passion;
Rides ‘round Hyde Park in a fast coach and four
Oh, life of the Regency rich totally scores!
Bantering intrigues and eye-spying chaperones;
Careful who you kiss or your reputation’s all blown.
A viscount, a marquis, a duke or an earl
Oh, it’s so much fun being a Regency girl!
*The Earl of Mayne swaggers out onto the main stage and all the pirates swoon; Mayne winks charmingly at the camera*
When the dishes pile,
When the kids wail,
When I’m feeling guilty as hell
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I just say: Oh, Well…
*pirates strip again and beneath is revealed to be contemporary clothing*
Chefs cooking in the bedroom and heroines eating cheap noodles,
Agents saving the USA and heroines with poodles;
Rides through the countryside in a bitching black Audi
Oh, life of the contemporary is so delightfully bawdy!
Bantering foreplay and toys with C batteries,
“You’re so gorgeous, my love” and all sorts of flatteries.
An agent, a chef, a billionaire, or a cowboy
Oh, the contemporary life brings so much joy!
When the dishes pile,
When the kids wail,
When I’m feeling guilty as hell
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I just say: Oh, Well…
Hellion: As we all might know, I’m half-finished with my first draft of my hilarious single title, In the Beginning Again and well, I wrote this little parody to sing for when I do complete it. As you’ll see, I’m very modest. *blushes*
I am writing, going on finishing, yippee, it’s time to plan.
Agents to entice, Editors to make nice; I need the perfect query at hand!
I have finished, now I have a first draft; Champagne I’ve drunk by score
I shall be in print, making a small mint.
Jude Deveraux, hear me roar!
Totally unprepared am I, to face the Publishing Biz;
Panicky, overwhelmed, and scared am I, of failing a possible pop quiz.
I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to do
I’ll find Christina, NYT author, she’s been a newbie too.
Marnee: Are you always such a kiss up?
Hellion: Pirate. *smiles at audience* Now, crew, pirates, please join us in the RWR Theme song for the upcoming National Novel Writing Month, which as pirates none of us have planned for. All together now:
Pirate crew, pirate crew,
Every morning you greet me
Nag and yell,
Giving me hell
Where’s my word count to greet thee
Here’s my page count, cut me some slack,
Cut me some slack, you termagants
Pirate crew, pirate crew,
Where would my word count be without you?
Hellion: Well, that’s all we have today. Tomorrow we’re going to have the incomparable Miranda Neville on the ship, telling us about her new book The Wild Marquis! In the meantime, how has your writing been coming? Anything you’ve read lately you’ve been dying to talk about? How about TV shows? Anyone love the new Life Unexpected?

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately, thinking of things to do with my time off on Thursday and Friday. I took time off with no particular vacation hot spot in mind; just wanted to be free to do Hellion Happy Things. Incidentally refining the list of Hellion Happy Things has been quite entertaining for several evenings, as I prioritize what I really want to do.
This is, indubitably, a fine specimen of the human species.
Once again, a brilliant specimen of that which we call Book. Even if half this ship hasn’t read it.
*camera zooms onto the ship, winding down the spidery stairs to the galley below, where
Now your first book is WHAT A SCOUNDREL WANTS; and this book is called SCOUNDREL’S KISS. I’m sensing a pattern; and I myself as a scoundrel do enjoy reading books featuring scoundrels. Do you then prefer scoundrels? Is this why you research so many of them?
As for the new Russell Crowe movie, I hold a grudge because it was supposed to come out *last* summer, when it would’ve made the perfect tie-in with WHAT A SCOUNDREL WANTS. Stoopid Hollywood. But I’ll probably go see it anyway!