Yep. In the BEST. BAR. EVER.

If you’re going to celebrate the 4th of July (and who doesn’t?) and our freedom (Hello, pirates!) and drink lots of alcohol (see previous), you can’t pick a better place than Norfolk, VA. So that’s where we are. At least in spirit; and some of us a bit more spirited than others.

Everyone have a Happy Fourth of July, and we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming on Sunday, July 6th. Next week our guest bloggers are twins: Dee S. Knight and Anne Krist (not to be missed!), and Hellion will demonstrate her singing skills (bring your earplugs) when she does a rendition of South Pacific.

 

Thanks to everyone who came by yesterday to celebrate with Kimberly Killion about her debut into the publishing world. The winners for yesterday’s booty: THREE signed copies of Her One Desire are–

 

 

 

Buffie

 

Esri Rose

 

Shannon

 

 

Buffie, Esri Rose, and Shannon, if you will please email Kimberly at kim @ kimberlykillion.com, she will get your booty out to you as soon as possible! Congratulations!

 

Hellion: Hello, Kim, and welcome aboard the Romance Writer’s Revenge. *much shouting and rambunctious cheering from grog-warmed crew and passengers* Now, to give everyone a little background about how we met, Kimberly Killion is a member of MORWA, the Missouri Chapter of Romance Writers of America. She got me my start as a published article writer, beginning with my Captain Jack Sparrow article. During one of our email exchanges, Kim mentioned she had just sold a book, Her One Desire, to Kensington and it would debut in July 2008. At the time…oh, well, she tells this story better than I do. Kim, tell them the story. *perching on a cannon like a wide-eyed child listening to a daring adventure tale*

 

Kim *realizing now that Hellion couldn’t possibly have had a journalism class. Ever*: Oh, uh, okay…you mean about the…

Hellion: You know…how you got published. The overnight success that took like 10 years. I love this story. She pitched two books, one of a manuscript that was already finished and another….

 

Kim: Oh, that story. Well, having been imprisoned for months, *chained to my computer* I managed to spin a tale about a Highland laird forced to choose between avenging his father’s death and surrendering to the passion he finds in the arms of his enemy’s daughter. I call this little treasure, Highland Dragon, but ’tis doubtful the title will stick.

 

While waiting for my ship to sail *plane to fly to Dallas to attend the 2007 RWA National conference*, I started penning another bit of fiction I lovingly titled, The Executioner’s Daughter. This tale is about a Scottish spy escaping certain death in the Tower of London.

 

Upon reaching port *Dallas* I’d prepared my pitch and sat wide-eyed across from the infamous Hilary Sares. With my heart jumping all out of cadence, I tried to remember what the blokes called me back home. My name finally came to me as did the beginning of my pitch, but my well-thought out words didn’t seem to impress the wench *she is my editor now, so I use that word lightly in the spirit of swashbuckling joviality*. As the story goes, Ms. Sares did finally perk up when I told her the premise behind The Executioner’s Daughter. She asked me to send both manuscripts regardless of their condition.

 

I, without the slightest hesitation, agreed to her request, stood, and thanked her for her time with all the manners me mum taught me. At which point, I ran to the privy and then to the rathskeller for a much needed quaff of rum. But this is not the end of this mind-boggling tale…Upon returning to a land less inflated with agents and editors, I mailed the completed manuscript, Highland Dragon, and the puny five chapters I had of The Executioner’s Daughter.

 

Not a fortnight later *ten days* Ms. Sares called me with a two book offer. After I scooped myself off the poop deck, I was met with a slew of emotions that sent this bilge rat spiraling.

 

But wait…there was a catch. Ms. Sares decided the stronger book lie in the tale about the executioner’s daughter, aka incomplete manuscript. She asked how long it would take me to finish it. My reply, “Six months.”

 

As sweet as she could be, she counteroffered with three months. I agreed with a nervous laugh. What choice did I have? We blathered a bit more after which I ran for the privy and then the rathskeller for a quaff of rum.

 

Crewmember (shouting from rigging): “Did ye manage the feat?”

 

Kim: Aye, I did! Shackled in the hulk *bound to my computer in the basement* I added 80,000 words to finish what is now titled Her One Desire.

 

Hellion (as crew murmurs in amazement): And that’s not all. You also teach college courses, put together the monthly newsletter (Rumpled Sheets) for MORWA as well as the chapter newsletter for Hearts Through History, are married and have two children—you sound busier than one pirate trying to rob a fleet of ships at different longitudes at the same time! How do you do it all? How did you get 80,000 words done in such a short amount of time?

 

Kim: Well, I tied the ragamuffins *my children* in their chambers, shortened my hours at work, didn’t cook, didn’t clean, and just wrote. Oh…I also didn’t sleep.

 

Hellion: Amazing. Yes, it was clear you didn’t believe in sleep as soon as you mentioned having two children. That’s a glutton for punishment right there, though obviously worthwhile—much like getting this book published! What a dream come true! How have you been handling it? How exciting is it that after all these months of knowing it’s going to happen—you’ll be seeing your name in the bookstores next to Sherrilyn Kenyon and Lisa Kleypas?

 

Kim: Oh, aye, the K’s are right in the middle of the shelf and I couldn’t ask for better company sitting beside me. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Some days, I think I can’t keep up with all the promo, but it will all be worth it when Lord Broderick Maxwell and Lady Lizbeth Ives are freed into the world.

 

Hellion: Are you going to RWA this year? Will you be doing a book signing? (Do you think you’ll be signing near them? How cool would it be if Sherrilyn bought a book?)

 

Kim: Seriously, you need to switch to decaf.

 

Hellion: Oh, look, an undead monkey. *shoots it, monkey screams; Kim blinks but proceeds on*

 

Kim: I have my voucher to set sail for San Francisco in July and hope to have a quill all sharpened to sign Her One Desire as she hits the shelves in July. And if Sherrilyn Kenyon or Lisa Kleypas happen to ‘look’ my way, I’m certain to swoon.

 

Hellion: Lord, so would I. Okay, now…tell us about Her One Desire. What’s it about? Why are we going to fall in love with this book as much as you obviously have?

 

Kim: I love the hero in this book. Lord Broderick Maxwell, is gentle and honorable to a flaw, of course, he is arrogant which is forgivable given his appearance. Black hair, light blue eyes and a set of abs a tavern wench would flip her skirts for. Oh, and my Broc is funny, he makes me laugh just as he does Lizzy.

 

The crew might like to hear a quote by Patricia Rice, a New York Times Bestselling Author: “A sensual and spirited romance by a masterful new writer.”

 

Then, of course, there is the back cover blurb:

 

FOR HIS LOVE

 

Astride a stolen horse, encircled by the shackled arms of Broderick Maxwell, a Scottish spy escaping certain death in the Tower of London, Lizbeth Ives rides to the north, hidden by the merciful darkness. By stealth and by cunning, the daughter of the Lord High Executioner has undone her father’s cruel work, compelled to save the innocent man with her. There is no turning back—they are bound as one in his iron chains. Consumed by mortal fear, driven by passion, they disappear into the night…

 

A single raven follows them. Is it an omen? Or only the first of those who would capture them? They must ride on. If captured, they will face death together. But if they reach Scotland, he will claim her for his own…forever.

 

Hellion: *looking faintly dazed, has to shake herself to sense as she realizes Kim has finished* Oh, my! A Scottish hero…a tortured heroine who just wants to save her father…and action-packed adventure. And hot, hot sex scenes. *more cheering from the crew* Now, you said you sold two books to Kensington and they wanted this one first. What is your other book about? And when will we get to have our hot little hands all over it?

 

Kim: The second book is titled Highland Dragon and will grace the bookshelves in October 2009. I’m proud to say this book placed first in seven RWA sponsored contests including the Molly and Reveal Your Inner Vixen. Highland Dragon takes place in the Scottish Highlands around the turn of the 15th century.

 

The premise:

 

In a struggle between love and revenge, only one can emerge victorious. Eighteen years after hiding the secret of his betrothed’s lineage, Laird Calin MacLeod is forced to choose between avenging his father’s death and surrendering to the passion he finds in the arms of his enemy’s daughter.

 

Intelligent and feisty, Akira Neish has been called many things…even a witch, but never has she been called “beautiful” by a man. Unable to deny Calin’s seductions, Akira opens her heart to him, only to discover their marriage is part of his calculated plan to initiate a war with her biological father.

 

Hellion: Did you hear that crew? All those contest wins! I bet you knew you were close when you started finaling and winning all over the place! (And I have to say this: McLeod of the clan McLeod…okay, I’ll stop before the There can be only one.) *last said with dramatic flair, crew stares at her strangely, Hellion clears throat and proceeds in James Lipton manner* What’s the single most important thing you think new writers should keep in mind when they’re trying to push through and finish their books? (I.e. what have you found that’s worked for you?)

 

Kim: Rum! Lots of bloody rum! *Crew raises their mugs in agreement*. Seriously, it takes dedication and perseverance and lots of support from family, friends, and other writers. I wouldn’t have sold without the support of my local chapter and critique groups. Also, when writing, I have learned that you MUST move forward. Regardless how bad the scene is, you can always cut, but you can’t edit a blank screen.

 

Hellion: *looks at crew* See, I told you. They don’t listen to me. It’s what I get for being such a pushover. It’s my fault. I should give out more floggings and less rum. In any case, Kim, I think you’ve been an excellent interrogatee, um, guest pirate—and I suppose I should give my crew an opportunity to ask you some questions.

 

Kim: Ho, mate! Before you set the crew to waggin’ their tongues, I’d like to let everyone know I’ll be giving away an autographed copy of Her One Desire away to three of you bilgemates for making me feel welcome aboard the Romance Writer’s Revenge. Cheers!

 

Hellion: Three copies? Did you hear that, crew? What would you like to ask the fair and fierce Kimberly? And for goodness sakes, pass her the rum!

 

(And if you can’t get enough Kimberly interviews, she is also interviewing with the Romance Vagabonds! Say hello to her over there as well!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clearly something is amiss. I think Sin might be locked in the closet again, but I’m sure we’ll hear more about it later. In the meantime, since nobody wants to do math two days in a row, I thought I’d throw up a musical. (That’s what they do on cable channels, right, when the normal programming isn’t available?) So I bring you the interview with Mary Poppins.

 

Please give a warm welcome to Mary Poppins!  *background soundtrack music of  Chim-chim-chir-ree; then a silhouette of famous Poppins profile with infamous hat and flower*

 

MP:  *crisp British accent (CBA)*  Hello, Ms. Hellion.  Thank you for inviting me here today.  I must say I was rather surprised you thought I had anything new and exciting to share about writing but I’ve been thinking on it quite meticulously and I think you will be pleased….

 

Hellion:  Actually, I took the liberty of parodying some songs from your movie….

 

MP:  *scoffing in her CBA*  My movie?  Don’t be absurd!  As if I would ever consent to having my life filmed—and I don’t go around bursting into song.

 

Hellion:  Yes, you don’t make out with chimney sweeps either, but I’ve got your number.  I saw how you looked at Bert.  I know you wanted to make hot, wild monkey love and have his little sweeps.  *hands offended MP a sheaf of lyrics*  Please pardon the scratch outs.  I didn’t have a lot of time to write these….

 

*song cues up for “A Spoonful of Sugar”*

 

MP:  *glares at Hellion before looking at the lyrics finally, then cocks an eyebrow at Hellion*  Is this necessary?  *Hellion nods, Mary sighs*  Oh, well, if we must, we must.  *shakes lyrics and begins speaking crisply*

            For every story that you write

            There is a critic who’ll say it’s trite

                        You find that critic  *MP snaps her fingers, glares at Hellion*

                        And never read his crap ever again.  *gasping, then gives Hellion a look*  HONESTLY!

 

*singing*  And every tale you do construct,

            Expect to be rolled in the muck,

            The garbage.  The $1.99 bin at Wally World.  TIME.

 

            But a fifth of spiced rum makes the Bad Review go down,

            The bad review go down, bad review go down…

 

*Captain Jack Sparrow and his many hallucinations of himself burst onto the set behind, linking arms, slinging rum, and kicking their legs high in drunken frivolity; they join in for the last part of singing*

 

            Just a fifth of spiced rum makes the Bad Review go down,

            In an almost painless way….

 

MP:  *tossing aside the top sheet of the lyrics as the second song cues up*  Ms. Hellion, I don’t think….  *music cues and she rolls her eyes, but sings*

            Fin-finishy, fin-finishy, fin-fin your book

            It won’t write itself, you big shirker forsook!

            And as we can tell by the last lamentable rhyme,

            Hellion wrote this blog in a very crunched time!

                        Hellion wrote this blog in a very crunched time.

 

MP:  Honestly Ms. Hellion, you must be kidding with these lyrics…they’re positively the most…  *music cued back for second verse*

            Fin-finishy, fin-finishy, fin-fin your tale—

            Because your writing friends won’t care when you weep and wail.

            For we all know what a sad procrastinator you are—

            If you were a lawyer, you’d be given the most highest bar.

                        Hellion didn’t even research to see if lawyers get bars!

 

Hellion:  *clapping*  That was wonderful, Miss Poppins.  Now just one more song…

 

MP:  I think we’ve had just about enough.  *music cues and she gasps*  You’re mad!

 

Hellion:  They tell me that quite a lot.  If I weren’t, a lot of this probably would never work.

 

MP: *frowning*  Because I was afraid to write when I was just a lad

            My father read all my works and told me I was bad,

            But then one day I learned a truth to save my achy, breaky heart!

            The biggest truth you ever heard and this is how it starts….

 

            It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare; they’ll probably publish you anyway….

 

MP:  *throwing down the last page*  This is quite enough.  *waves for the music to stop*  Beyond ridiculous!  Total codswollop!  How am I supposed to sing that last line?  It doesn’t even make any sense.

 

Hellion:  Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious doesn’t make any sense either, but I’m pretty sure it won song of the year.

 

MP:  I assure you you will not be awarded the same courtesy.

 

Hellion:  *shrugging, unconcerned, smiles at the camera*  And now, pirates and landlubbers, what have we learned from the talented, charming, and ever so proficient Miss Poppins…

 

MP:  *blushing*  Well, I…I suppose I am…

 

Hellion:  *counting off on her fingers*  Number one, don’t take critics to heart.  It’s their job to find fault in anything–and frankly, they’re usually bitter, wrong individuals–I mean, look what they said about POTC3.  Totally brilliant bit of filming…

 

Terrio: I still haven’t seen it.

 

Sin**: Don’t worry. Neither have I.

 

Hellion:  *ignoring them both* Number two, you can’t offend critics if you don’t finish your book and send it out…and frankly, you’re taking food out of critic’s children’s mouths, if you do that.  Do you want to be responsible for all the starving children?  No.  Finish your book.  Get it published.  Offend at will.

 

*grumbling crewmembers in the background at the thought that their bits of brilliance would offend anybody; Hellion gracefully dodges an empty rum bottle*

 

Hellion:  *smiling serenely like that dude off Actor’s Studio*  And finally, don’t be such a perfectionist in trying to please everyone, including your parents, that you never finish your manuscript.  This isn’t Shakespeare…though I’m pretty sure Shakespeare was the Nora Roberts of his time.  Now, let’s thank Mary Poppins once again for sharing her wisdom and insight.  *applauds wildly with other crewmembers*

 

MP:  I really couldn’t have said it better myself.  I must go now.  Cheers.

 

How’s your writing (or reading) been going lately? Anything you want to share?

**the part of Sin is being played by Angelina Jolie as Hellion doesn’t really know where Sin is or what she is up to at this time. Secret Ninja stuff, you know.

Math and I have never been what you might say, good friends. Reluctant acquaintances is more apt. However, it has long been proven to me that for as long as there have been romances, math has played a part in it.

 

So get out your calculators and rulers, we’re revisiting 8^th grade math (hey, we were dumb in my school; we did this stuff later than everywhere else.)

 

Geometry

 

The triangle: we’re always trying to figure out the angle of the thing, and there is nothing like a simple, uniform triangle to sufficiently tangle your story for a good 300 pages. Love, as the saying goes, comes when you least expect it. You’re not looking for it; or you’re least not looking for it with him. In fact, he’s the last person you were thinking of. Your thoughts and energies instead were focused on Mr. Ideal. The third point of the triangle.

 

Writers enjoy employing triangles as a writing device because they’re simply complicated, or complicatedly simple. Whichever. You’re not bogging the reader with a slew of unnecessary characters to remember, but you’re sufficiently raising the emotional stakes and tension until we’re all screaming, “Kiss him already, no, not him, the other guy!”

 

Sometimes writers like to do a diamond sort of thing, a triangle and a triangle, with the short line connecting our hero and heroine at the middle. Each has their own Mr. or Ms. Ideal, but are still drawn to each other. This is trickier to do, because there is a sort of timing to it. If they’re both with their ideals, or pursuing their ideals at the same time, it’s hard to keep them together and aware of each other. There is almost a choreography on ice with a diamond (get it? Ice and diamond? Right.) and one triangle is completed just after the second one takes up, so both characters suffer sufficiently. Writers who do diamonds well make you feel as tense and engaged as if you’re watching Dean and Torvill at the 1984 Olympics.

 

Warning: if you’re not careful, you’ll end up with the multi-triangled approach of Bhartrihari:

 

She who is always in my thoughts prefers
Another man, and does not think of me.
Yet he seeks for another’s love, not hers;
And some poor girl is grieving for my sake.
Why then, the devil take
Both her and him; and love; and her; and me.

 

It’s probably more accurate in the long run, but this is only going to work if you want to write your own Gone with the Wind. And you’ll notice Bhartrihari and Scarlett did not have happily ever afters. If you want a happily ever after, keep your writing and your geometric proof simple: go for the triangle. Then when you’re ready for the Olympics, try a diamond.

 

Algebra

 

Because I am a hopelessly simple English major, I’m going to keep this little math analogy as hopelessly simple as possible: we’re always solving for X.

 

My high school math teacher kept assuring me I would use algebra in everyday life, and I kept saying she was on crack; but it turns out on the most basic, simplistic level (not that complicated calculus she was assuring me about later), we are always using algebra (and geometry). X + Y = Z. I usually solve for X, trying to figure out how many miles to the gallon I got on this particular tank of gas. I’m pretty sure I’m doing it wrong since it’s rarely the same mileage twice. I’m sure it’s why I’m not good at solving for X in my writing too.

 

I think the X in a lot of fiction books is the dead body. Everyone loves a good mystery: who killed the dead guy, what happened to Aunt Meredith’s diamond and ruby necklace, just what exactly is the hero hiding about his past anyway? We’re all curious about the X and want to find the source of it. X is backstory. After all, what is a dead body at the beginning of a novel but backstory that hasn’t been revealed yet?

 

So for me, my writing equation to solve for X is: X + H = C. If you could remove a hero from his backstory, you’d have a much less complex creature. But add your backstory and your hero? COMPLICATED. Neurosis City.

 

And much like all those math classes, where I spent my time, beating my forehead on my desk, saying, “I can’t solve for X because it doesn’t make any sense!”, you can’t really have a hero without backstory, can you? If you have a hero without backstory, you have an infant, fresh from the womb, untested, untried, and unriddled with all the little slings and arrows life saddles you with. But it amuses me to see a lot of writing books where they want you define your character first, then write the backstory separate. It just seems so wrong. It’s like scrambling two eggs in a bowl, then being told to turn them back into unbroken, unscrambled eggs again. Right. That can happen.

 

Plus, you’ve been to character interviews, haven’t you? You’ve set your smoldering-eyed, gypsy man in a chair and start firing questions at him like you’re Barbara Walters, calm but no nonsense. For no explicable reason, your character clams up like he’s being tried by Joseph McCarthy instead. He has no answers for you. He doesn’t know. He shrugs. You don’t know. And it’s very irritating because you made him up. You’ll even offer him answers, and he continues to shrug as if that is a very nice answer but he can’t be bothered to give confirmation either way if you’re right. Bastard.

 

Clearly algebra is still the bane of my existence, even in writing; but geometry, which I always seemed to do well in (I loved doing proofs), seems to be something I feel a bit more equipped to do.

 

I generally find that people can do one math or the other, but not both particularly well. Which one were you better at? Which one are you better at in the scope of your novel—triangles or X’s? If you’re a reader, what has been your favorite triangle in a novel, or your favorite X-backstory? What triangles are you sick of and what would you like to see more of?

 

*Math masterminds do not need to point out Hellion’s tenuous grasp on mathematical concepts. She is already aware her checkbook doesn’t balance; and this is called literary license.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a debate about how much research is too much. Write what you love and write what you know—then just wing the rest of it. Fake, fake, fake. Sure. But that’s not always fun, and really I think writing should be as fun as possible. The more fun you’re having, the fresher your writing will be.

 

Now I don’t have a lot of skills (mainly, just drinking, napping, flirting), but the one talent I’ve had pretty much since birth is: I love to research. Sorta. I know a ton of better researchers, but among my friends, I’m generally the researcher. I love to flip through books, listen to stories, and watch the History channel (well, before it went to pot.) I’m a font of useless trivia that others could really give a crap about. That sounds like I’m screwing around but really it’s amazing where those little factoids show up.

 

I’m always collecting research books: My Lady Scandalous, about 1700s courtesans; and What the Butler Saw, an invaluable resource about what happened below stairs in those English manors. Our Tempestuous Day, a Regency primer, if you will; and I have some books on England and Scotland. I have books on the Puritans, Colonials, and the Wild West. Astrology books (Love Signs is recommended by Debra Dixon, and I do too), and of course, writing books. I even have a book on sexual positions. Granted sex scenes are about emotion rather than what went where, but what if I did want to write about something other than missionary or doggie? I need to know where the hands are…among other things. I don’t exactly have lab assistants I can ask, and frankly if I did, I’d definitely never get any writing done.

 

But sometimes…sometimes, if I really want to be in character, I’ll research something about the character unfamiliar to me. I mean, not all my heroines can be secretaries who go to Weight Watchers and sew costumes at Halloween and eat Ben & Jerry’s like hedonists. No one is going to buy that book more than once.

 

So.

 

I need to learn a new skill. One of my characters is a stripper. No, I’m not moonlighting as a stripper, but there is an exercise class called cardiostrip. A sort of research-lite. Get in touch with my inner vamp and understand a bit more about my character. Plus it’ll really tone my abs they assure me…so really, it’s a win-win all the way around.

 

And maybe one day I’ll reconstruct a house or go on a cattle drive like my other characters, or maybe I’ll just watch This Old House and City Slickers again. Whatever. There are different ways to immerse yourself in research. There is also a cruise vacation you can take on a sailboat where you learn how to sail it. You’re part of the crew. That would be fun!

 

What are your favorite ways to research? What are you an expert on? What would you like to learn?

There is always a bonus when you pay someone to listen to your problems: you discover nothing is your fault. It was your parents’ fault. Being this Sunday is Father’s Day, that one day of the year we acknowledge and thank our fathers for participating in that drunken wrestle with mom all those years ago, I thought we should talk about Daddies.

 

I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl; and as a kid, I didn’t think I’d ever find a man I loved as much as my Daddy. (Okay, so that part’s true. See, my therapist is right.) But clearly parental-child relationships are…well…not ideal. We want them to be ideal, but we’re never really happy with the outcome, are we? We want our fathers to spend more time with us, to care about our interests (respect our interests), and hug us more.

 

We’d also like them to not tell us we look like mutton dressed as lamb when we proudly come out in a new dress and show off. And to stop pushing us to be schoolteachers—and to believe that our writing is wonderful. And for God’s sake, stop telling me Amy’s essay was better than mine! And while we’re on it, where the hell is my hug? Sorry, sorry, having a moment.

 

So we want more hugs if we weren’t hugged enough; or we want less hugs (and hovering) and stop being so darned overprotected. It’s never exactly what we think is right. Of course you were an unhappy teenager with non-ideal parents: all teenagers are. You’re not a case-study, I assure you.

 

And that’s if you’re lucky enough to have a Dad. What about those of us whose Daddy died when we were young—and there was no stepfather at all or there was a stepfather, but he wasn’t a Daddy to us? What about Daddies who divorced mom and you only saw them occasionally? Absentee Dads are the biggest blame games we’ve got for explaining why grown women are having trouble trusting men and picking the right man to love.

 

It seems insane to me to blame your parents for how you are as an adult, because as an adult you know better. You’ve read the articles; you’ve watched Oprah! You’ve been around the block; you probably have some kids and know how hard it is to parent—and you’re only doing the best you can with your handicaps. So were they! Suddenly all the neurotic crap your parents saddled you with seems rather normal. But the fact remains: your parents made you how you are.

 

Which can make or break you in the Dating and Marriage Line. If you didn’t get enough “male” fatherly attention as a kid, you’re going to be looking for it as soon as possible and usually find it in all the wrong ways. You didn’t get enough hugs? Teenage boys will hug you; hell, I had some twenty-somethings who were dying to hug my hug-deprived self. If you didn’t have constant reassurance that you were beautiful and smart and worthy, the compliments of insincere boys looking to get laid is almost overwhelming. And you end up “thanking them” most inappropriately—and then realize later they didn’t really mean it.

 

There is the flipside to this: if none of those boys paid you those compliments either, you are then validated universally that you are a troll and you end up having the suicide hotline on speed-dial just so you could get out of bed in the morning. You’re really damned if you do, damned if you don’t. You’re better off if you just have a Daddy who loves you and you know it—but as we discover in our stories every day, love is hard to express, especially for guys. It’s no wonder we’re all in therapy, blaming Dad that we’re unsuccessful in forging relationships with men. After all, even if we seek someone who is the opposite of our fathers, we still find ourselves attached to fallen gods. People who aren’t perfect, who hurt you even when they don’t mean to.

 

My Dad is not the huggy type, but eventually I learned if I wanted to be told ‘I love you’ and hugged, I had to do it first. He was actually trainable, even at his advanced age. And I learned to recognize the qualities he did have: capable, trustworthy, humble, hard-working, and didn’t live beyond his means. (I didn’t realize how important the last quality was until I met men who were life-debtors! It used to annoy me as a kid because it seemed we never had money for anything. We clearly didn’t have a lot, but at least we did have a pot to piss in and a window to toss it out of.) And he’s funny, even if his self-deprecating humor turns on you. (Though I’ll never find that mutton dressed as lamb amusing.)

 

Dad even patiently showed me how to drive the stick-shift the other day when I asked; and the last time he tried to teach me, I literally ended up throwing the entire car into a ditch when I shifted from third to reverse! (You’d think he wouldn’t have wanted a repeat performance.) And last Sunday, he took me gooseberry picking, telling me the best spots to find gooseberries—and silently reminding me the importance of the simple things and also that the best things in life are the things you do for yourself and take time to do. (If you picked gooseberries, you’d understand: thorny little buggers!—and not nearly the amount of berries for the quality and quantity of time you’ve invested! No wonder they’re $3 a can in the store!)

 

So this long-winded tribute made me think of fathers in our fiction. Help me out: how many of your characters are in therapy because of their parents? Do your characters have parents? Or are you like me and tend to kill off the parents at the beginning of the story (in a Harry Potter fashion)? Do you think about how characters’ parents influenced how they behave in the book (think: Stephanie Plum) and do you try to incorporate (probably unconsciously) neuroses based off their childhoods (and lack of perfect parental treatment)? Are there any “Dads” in any novels that come to mind as “great Dads” or notable fathers? (The Dad in the Bridgerton series is dead and his absence does influence the characters. Stephanie Plum’s Dad doesn’t talk, but eats roast beef and grunts. In Desperate Duchesses, Roberta was ashamed of her Dad because he wasn’t…exactly civilized and embarrassed her with his poetry.) And lastly, what will you be doing for Father’s Day? I suspect Dad will be wanting roast beef.

So we’ve been on the new ship for a while now and I don’t think we’ve actually given everyone the tour.  We really do have lots to see and check out, besides all the hard bodies.  But since this is a Sunday and I’m obligated to present Hottie material, I’ve decided to sprinkle this post with various miscellaneous crew members.  I doubt anyone will have any complaints.

 

We start with a quick announcement.  There is an awesome auction going on right now over at the Eloisa James and Julia Quinn Bulletin Board.  A member on the board recently lost her husband.  So the wonderful authors along with Kim Castillo, the board moderator, called on some friends to help raise funds for a grieving family.  And boy did they come through.  Tons of booty for the bidding including ARCs (Advance Reader Copy) of highly anticipated summer and fall releases.  You can also get your hands on entire collections of series, most autographed, and other various goodies.  The auction runs through June 27 so get yerself over there today and lets get those bids going!

 

Now to the tour.  If you glance over to the left side of our page (past those gorgeous abs), you’ll find a list of rooms aboard the RWR.  First we have the Articles of Piracy.  This is where you’ll find our fantastic theme song as interpreted by our Captain.  And a bit of the origins of this little group.  But be warned, one read through and you’ll have the song stuck in yer head all day.

 

Hope you’re not afraid of heights because now we move up to the Crow’s Nest.  This is where you can find out who’ll be taking over the helm over the next several months.  Our guest blogger Pirates are always feisty and fun so missing them would be a crime, I tell you.  Be sure to check the Crow’s Nest regularly and mark yer calendar so as not to miss a thing.

 

Coming down out of the clouds we find Fore & Aft.  This is where you’ll find all the scoop on this mangy crew.  Most of it’s true, I promise.  Though we are writers of fiction and pirates to boot, so you can’t expect total honesty.

 

This next room might surprise you.  Yes, even pirates have Guidelines.  Actually, Captain Jack demanded we give him a place to spout his wisdom and so the Guidelines was born.  You’ll find everything you ever needed to know about being a writer the pirate way.  And really, isn’t that the only way?

 

We wrap up the tour by Going On Account.  This might just be the best room and yer right lucky we’re lettin’ ya know about it.  This is where the secrets be.  All kinds of treasure about writing, craft, and other writer sites where you can gain even more treasure of yer own.  You didn’t really think we came up with all this brilliance by ourselves did ya?

So, that’s the Sunday Hottie tour of The Romance Writer’s Revenge.  I do hope all the hotties you encountered along the way were to yer liking.  And not TOO distracting.  They are an attractive lot aren’t they?

Oh, can’t forget to mention this Friday (the 13^th!!!) we welcome Loucinda McGary to the ship.  You may also know Ms. McGary as Aunty Cindy of the Romance Bandits.  Her debut novel, The Wild Sight, hits stores in October and she was kind enough to agree to an interview with none other than moi.  Yeah, I was amazed too.  But the interview turned out great and she’s loads of fun so be sure to stop by this Friday and help us give her a warm pirate welcome.

FYI: This is a RANT.

 

I will grant you that I’m probably the least qualified to tell you how to write a series, being that I have only completed two manuscripts and they are not related to each other at all. But I am an avid reader and collector of series, and I do have an opinion about it. I can tell you what irks me as a reader…and some of the writer stuff that I see going on that totally boggles my mind.

 

Here’s a list of the crap that irks me most.

 

1.)  Authors who don’t know when to stop—or their publisher doesn’t. Whoever…one of them can’t say no to the cash cow series and the author begins rehashing scenes she used in the first books, hoping no one notices. Believe me, everyone notices. And you know who I’m talking about.

2.)  All the beloved characters keep doing the same stupid crap. I mean, these are real people, and real people do keep doing the same stupid crap, like the rat that doesn’t learn if it keeps pushing the lever, it’ll keep getting shock therapy. After all, once upon a time, it got a pellet…maybe there will be another pellet. There hasn’t been a pellet since book one. At book 16, it ceases to be amusing. Let the rat die already. Surely somebody learned the Big Lesson by book 16. Give us and the character some credit. Again, you know who I’m talking about.

3.)  Clearly ending a series at the right place is damned tricky and few people manage it. The ones who do manage it are ones who pull it off within the first three to four books. By the time you make it to book ten, the expectations are so high, it’s practically impossible to exit now without major damage. Do you really want a Seinfeld fiasco? St. Elsewhere? LOST? No. No one wants that. And yet some authors who have let their series slide into some I-70 tractor trailer accident, where four ambulances and two fire trucks couldn’t save it, continue to beat their dead horse of a series and then end the series on a whimper…or worse, an infuriated yell from the reader who has burnt the entire series in a fit of rage and vows never to buy this author’s books again. Again, you know who I’m talking about.

 

So I think the golden rule of writing papers applies with series. The Magic 3. Three is the ideal number for a series. Most people can commit to a threesome, and it fits nicely on their shelves. Committing to a “twenty-some” (as some of my beloved series are rapidly speeding towards) is becoming unwieldy and I find myself becoming more and more disgruntled with some of the stories within the series. “This is ridiculous! This was obvious filler! This told me nothing about the overall plot!”

 

Frankly, if I’m noticing that, I wasn’t that keen about the characters starring either.

 

I might even be willing to commit to four or five in a series. Still doable; still likely to be satisfying. Author is still apt to tie up loose ends and keep the character arcs going so we can see the true growth of the characters throughout the books. Not so much in the “twenty-some”, especially if we’re dealing with one main character, rather than switching off to another main character but in the same “world”. Usually around book 7 or so, I start getting twitchy because the character is purposely not growing…and I have to read her same goofy madcap bullcrap for another 300 pages. And it looks like it’s been lifted straight out of the first books. I feel like I’ve paid another $5 for a Happy Meal that I already ate. Hello. My memory is bad but it’s not that bad.

 

So I’m saying this to all my would-be series writers and those authors (you know who you are): Too much of a good thing is quite, quite possible. Don’t let us gorge on ALL the double-stuff, triple-chocolate ice cream cupcakes for as long as we want. Cut us off because there will come a point that we go: “This doesn’t taste as good as the first cupcake.” Of course it doesn’t. Go to a Weight Watchers meeting and the first thing you learn is nothing tastes as good as the first bite. No cigarette tastes as good as the first drag. And Pepsi tastes good only for the first long draw—after that, it kinda coats your tongue and makes you wish you’d gotten water instead.

 

Stick with the rule of three. Maybe five. (Hell, if you’re as good as J.K. Rowling, you could even do a seven!) But don’t do a twenty. No one wants to participate in that orgy.

 

What irks you most about series books? What do you enjoy most about them? What is your favorite series of books to read? What new series book are you most anticipating?

 

Once upon a time there was a conflicted princess who was in love with a handsome, noble knight; however, she was sworn to marry an unknown prince from a far away land. Because she loved her father, she did not want to do anything that would shame her in his eyes, but neither did she want to give up what might her only chance for true love. So…

 

PICK ONE

 

A.   She marries the unknown prince

B.   She marries the knight

C.   She proposes a contest for all the noble men (including said prince) to joust for her hand

 

So say we pick A. She marries the unknown prince, even though her heart remains with the noble knight. She is terribly unhappy in her new marriage, but she comforts herself that she’s done the right thing. NOW PICK ONE.

 

A.   The prince slowly seduces her, winning her heart, and she is now newly conflicted with being in love with two men. She’s sworn to remain true to her beloved knight, but she can’t help but be seized by raptures in the prince’s bed

B.   The prince takes a mistress, and the princess is even more miserable. The prince also berates her for not being very princess-like. She must do something. She can’t remain here; she must….

C.   Her beloved knight is also now part of her personal bodyguard. She begins an affair with him, even though she knows if she is caught, they will both die

 

Those are interesting turns-of-events; however, I’m curious what would have happened if she had married the knight. So let’s go back a step and pick B.

 

A.   She elopes with the knight, but the prince, furious with her betrayal, follows her and kills the knight in a post-honeymoon fight. He takes her back to his castle but plans to keep her as a whore

B.   She elopes with the knight, but her father cuts her off. The knight becomes a mercenary, and though they struggle to make ends meet, they still love each other (and can’t keep their hands off each other)

C.   After eloping and being cut off from her father, the knight becomes resentful of the constant struggle—and blames her for their lack of financial circumstances. He tells her she should have married the prince, then they’d both be happy

 

Hmm. That one was a bit dark, but the option A would be an interesting plot development, wouldn’t it? Okay, what if we’d picked C.

 

A.   The prince wins, and she marries him, grudging, but admiring of his skill to even beat her beloved knight. He whisks her back to the castle, unaware she’s still carrying a torch for the unseated knight

B.   The knight wins, and she marries him. Her father gives her the dowry she would have gotten for the prince; and they move North to a castle property that belonged to her mother.

C.   Neither of them wins. Gareth, Earl of Swinehearth, won the tournament, and he is now the lucky guy who gets to wed her. Only he was such an appalling bastard when they were children, how will she stand it?

 

Do we see what the problem is yet?

 

Too many choices. Not all of these are “great” choices; some of them are no-brainer “discard”, but there are several that would actually be interesting to pursue, that would have interesting and overarching conflict for at least 400 pages. What’s a writer to do?

 

When I first started eating Chinese food, I only ate Twice-Cooked Pork, Crab Rangoon, and Hot and Sour soup. It was so much easier to order when I didn’t pursue other choices to see if there was anything better or equally enjoyable. Now I look at a Chinese menu, and it takes a half-hour to decide what I want. Oh, look steamed dumplings! But oh, oh, vegetable lo mein—how I do adore those spicy noodles! OMG! They have Ginger Chicken. Well, I have to order that, but how can I get that when I’m craving dumplings? And soup. Don’t forget the soup. I walk out with $20 of food that ends up feeding me for the next three days.

 

You can’t do that in a romance. 400 pages is it. You’re allowed to spend $7.85 and that’s it. Now what do you order? You certainly do not want to be sitting at the table with your selection and go, “Damn, I should have ordered the Ginger Chicken.” You do not want to get to page 300 of your novel and go: “Maybe I should have had her marry the Earl of Swinehearth; he was kinda cute for a bastard.”

 

How do I know which was the right choice? Because if you’ve done your work on your characters, even your less “obvious choice” characters will be right your hero or heroine. Think of Sweet Home Alabama. Two great hero choices—so it basically boiled down to the guy who was her roots and the guy who was her wings. Mr. Roots won out, but only because he had come up enough in the world to be able to understand her need for things outside their small town and a willingness (and ability) to help with her wings. He could give her both. But does that mean Mr. Wings couldn’t have given her roots? Is small-town family life the only married life that is ideal? Can you not be happy married and living in New York City, vacationing at Martha’s Vineyard, and dropping off your kids at private school?

 

My friend Tammy said that movie ended wrong. She wanted Patrick Dempsey and couldn’t imagine any woman in her right mind picking redneck Josh Lucas. My best friend and I sighed and said, “Josh.” And Tammy said, “I rest my case.” And secretly I think she’s right. I think Felony Melonie could have been just as happy with Patrick as she was with Josh.

 

So what’s the right course for your book? What if you have so many options, you feel a bit like Jack looking at his compass, watching the needle spin because you don’t know what you want. You want a happy ending. But happy endings come in many different guises. Which one is the happiest for this character? How do you decide? Put them all in a hat and just start pulling them out?

 

So choose your own blog ending question:

A.   Do you think Felony Melonie picked the right man at the end of Sweet Home Alabama? Why or why not?

B.   Do you have this problem with writing? How do you overcome it? Or if you’re a reader, do you read a new plot point and think, “God, why did she go there? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard!”?

C.   Which way would you have told the story above?